The Freedom That Comes With Surrender

Batter my heart, three-personed God, for You

As yet but knock, breathe,  shine, and seek to mend.

That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend

Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.

I, like an usurped town to another due,

Labor to admit You, but Oh! to no end.

Reason, Your viceroy in me, me should defend,

But is captivated, and proves weak or untrue.

Yet dearly I love You, and would be loved fain,

But am betrothed unto Your enemy;

Divorce me, untie or break that knot again;

Take me to You, imprison me, for I,

Except You enthrall me, never shall be free,

Nor ever chaste, except You ravish me.

- "Batter my heart, three-personed God, for You" by John Donne (1610)

I am simply amazed at how God just gives and gives. Especially when I truly don't deserve it. However, I cannot help but feel as though when we are faithful in giving Him our lives (and everything in them) and allowing Him to work within them, He will - and in ways even greater than we can imagine! Just when I thought He had blessed me with so much, HE QUADRUPLES IT! (CLICK HERE!)

& I won't lie. I struggled with selfishness and rationalizing and even bargaining with God. And like the poem above says, it hurt. However, I only felt as though the money was being painfully wrenched from me because my grasp on it had been so tight. Once I loosened my grasp and made sure greed did not take hold of me, it's amazing how easily I was able to lift it up with open arms to God. & I can trust that He will use it completely and utterly for HIS PURPOSES.

 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

What else can I say but: GOD IS SO GOOD!!!! HALLELUJAH!!!

Happy List Additions

- Piggy banks

- Post-its and tabs

All to Thee...

Yesterday was the big day. After weeks of practicing, preparing, and praying, it was time for the girls to do their worship dance in front of the entire school during a Cultural Talent Show. So many thoughts were racing through my mind, as the girls prepared to go up, nervousness evident in their faces...

"Lord God, may YOU be glorified through this. & Only You. All for You! "

I'm ashamed to say it, but I was truly scared. How would the entire student body take it? Would they be respectful and listen and watch? Or would they cat-call and ridicule? I don't know how I would take that, being so protective of my girls and the amazing message they would be sharing. Even scarier to me was thinking about the teacher's reactions. Would they be upset that God was being presented to their students, when countless rules prohibit it?

But it was amazing how God washed all my fears away. The girls were absolutely fantastic. & God worked through everything. The first thing people noticed was, "Wow, they're all matching!" One particular teacher, in seeing the uniformity in motions and in dress, even remarked, "You KNOW that's God." Oh, how that was my prayer! That people would see the worship dance and KNOW it was ALL for and through HIM! & How He had shown Himself through something as simple as a uniform - and how HE had been the One who had provided it (see previous post). & Just when I thought matching shirts were enough, God provided a way for me to purchase matching lava lava wraps for ALL of them! He provided more than enough! Unbelievable! God's provision is amazing. Truly amazing!

& Students AND teachers said afterward that they cried! Both said they were so touched by the message and the dance. A teacher even said, "You know, throughout all the other dances, kids were making fun and teachers kept criticizing, but when you guys went up, everyone was silent. Everyone watched. And no one said a word." Undeniably the Holy Spirit at work! & Amazing how through her simple remark, God calmed my specific fears.

The girls themselves were changed. They came up to me with tears in their eyes, saying, "Tabby, thank you for the shirts and lava lavas (wraps). We feel bad. Can we pay you back?" But I assured them that no, they have been such blessings to me, and I wanted to somehow bless them. I'll never forget the looks on their faces, which seemed to say, "Wow, you would do that? For me?" One girl in particular gave me a look that pierced deep into my soul. It was a look of such sheer thankfulness, my eyes became glassy. I learned later that she had been abandoned by both her parents, and constantly acted out. This made that look even more meaningful. Even as all the other girls had changed out of their costumes after the dance, she kept hers on the entire day and constantly smiled at me as she held it. Lord God, I am unworthy to feel the blessings of the entire experience!

& To top it all off, we prayed. YES! There, in the midst of an entirely assembly, within a public school, the girls asked me to pray for them as we held hands in a circle! Indeed, God was listening.

"Give unto the Lord, O you mighty ones, Give unto the Lord glory and strength. Give unto the Lord the glory due to His name; Worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness." Psalm 29:1-2

Additions to the Happy List:

- The 17 girls of the first worship dance at F.B. Middle School

Great is Thy Faithfulness

"We give thanks to You, O God, we give thanks! For Your wondrous works declare that Your name is near." Psalm 75:1

Ever have those moments where you can't help but shout, "Hallelujah!"? Sometimes we just need those moments of divine providence that cause us to sing, shout, and dance in rejoicing. & After what transpired, I couldn't help but do all three in earnest.

The past couple of weeks have been quite difficult for me. With the added stress of intense midterm exams, I've just been emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted. It reminds me of a funny conversation I had with my mom in the car this week:

Mom: "Tab! Don't speed! There are reasons there are speed limits!"

Me: "Well, I need to get somewhere fast. & Everyone goes fast in the back road. That's why you take the back road!"

Mom: "Well, would you be speeding if Jesus were sitting in the passenger seat?!"

Me: (jokingly) "... Maybe we'd be having so much fun, He wouldn't even notice." 

Although I said it in jest, the truth is, that's where my problem was this week: God was in my passenger seat, watching as I sped through life in a blur to get where I wanted to go. And no, it wasn't fun. And I'm sure He noticed, just as much as He notices anything and everything that had, has, and ever will happen. However, that's precisely why I was so tired. I have to constantly remind myself to let God drive, and just sit in the passenger seat and enjoy the ride.

And yet He reveals himself sometimes in the simplest ways, to remind us that He is indeed there, waiting to be given back the wheel.

So I've been really excited, because every week, I've been teaching a worship dance to the song "I Will Worship" at the middle school where I help with the Bible Club. It has been such an amazing tool for ministry, as girls from all kinds of backgrounds have been participating and we were given the immense opportunity to present the worship dance to the entire school on Tuesday - which is quite a feat in itself, considering it is a public school and the ridiculously strict "separation of church and state" rules. And I was so touched by these girls, because they sacrifice every day of their lunch time to learn the dance, when they could easily be hanging out with friends or eating at the cafeteria. They have even been internalizing the words, as I hear them singing, "I will give You all my worship" even outside of practice! There is one particular girl who is known as a troublemaker, and the mere mention of her name makes teachers cringe. However, she openly said one day, "You know, I only go to school for practice." And my heart melted, as I saw a positive change in her.

So we were trying to figure out what "costume" the girls would wear, and most of the girls humbly admitted that they do not have very many clothes. I tried so badly to hide my sadness in front of them. It was then that I felt the Lord was prompting me to buy them matching t-shirts. I did want to bless them, because they had inspired and touched me so much, but at the same time I was trying to be realistic. "God, I'm only a student. I don't have a job. There are 18 of them in different sizes. I just don't have the money." Notice all the I's.  

While driving, my heart was burdened. I knew what I had to do, but I didn't know how I would do it. That morning at Bible Club, Rich shared about how with God, all things are possible. And that line kept resonating in my mind. I then recalled Pastor Gary's sermon that asked, "Do you live as though you have a BIG God?" And I wrestled with the thought all afternoon. 

And in an act that can only be explained through divine providence, I got a call from Bank of Guam telling me that I had won their commercial contest and the prize money was $500. I was absolutely in shock. I had done the commercial only because it was a required assignment for a class, and I didn't expect it at all to win, so much so that I actually deleted it from the computer. (If you saw how truly awful the commercial was, you'd KNOW it was only by God's miracle it won!) I couldn't help but sing, shout, and dance in utter praise and thanksgiving when I got home.

 There is no doubt in my mind that that money is to be used entirely and completely for what He was telling me to do: buy the girls shirts. I know He blessed me with it, so that I could bless the girls. Oh, where God guides, He truly provides! I was amazed at how God just completely lavishes His grace and provision when we are open to His purposes. He truly can do anything. And He WILL! I felt so sorry for doubting the greatness of my Lord, as I felt as though He was proving just how big He truly is. How often I forget that God has His hand in everything. And when He calls us to do something, we can have faith that He will provide a way - no matter how completely unexpected and despite how undeserving we are. And He does it all simply out of unconditional love.

So Praise God for His abounding grace! Praise God for His abundant provision! Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Picture update:

Ronny in High School Musical 2

We are all so proud of our boy!

I have been so blessed by the Young Adult Group and Bible Seminar at Jesus Baptist Church

Wonderful Apple!

Girls' night watching a black-and-white 1940s romantic comedy. :]

OYYA (Older Youth Young Adult) Group

Homemaking and cooking lessons with Auntie Gwen

Purple mouth picture for the hospital room of a little girl suffering from chemotherapy (Michelle's idea)

Additions to the Happy List:
- Whipped cream
- Veggie Tales' Silly Songs with Larry

Naive...

"Am I naive to want a remedy for every bitter heart?
Can I believe You hold an exclamation point for every question mark?
And can I leave the timing of this universe in bigger Hands?
And may I be so bold to ask You to please hurry?"

- "Naive" by Chris Rice

Often I just want to throw my hands up and say, "God, I really don't know." And as a human wanting certainty and control, I become frustrated that I don't know all the answers. But I think that's an important thing to acknowledge: I - imperfect, fallible, and prone to error - do not know it all. It is only when we seek our All-Knowing God that all will be revealed, but even then, it's in His time, not ours. But I think it's in this humbleness that we thirst for and seek our Father more, relying on Him, rather than our own limited wisdom. Faith kicks in. As we search for truth, it is important to constantly refer to The Truth revealed in God's word. We can think and ponder and speculate all we want, and end up with nothing. Why? Because God's wisdom is more profound and vast than anything we could ever imagine. And we must trust that ultimately, He knows what He's doing, even when I don't.

It makes me wonder about the futility of it all. In an eternal perspective, what will actually matter? As humans, do we complicate matters in a futile attempt to grasp it all? I often wondered what exactly I would ask God when I get to heaven. But then, I wonder, will it even matter? Will I even care? Or will I be too busy rejoicing in His presence?

All I can say is that I am thankful to be under the authority of our Savior, who I can rely on completely and utterly for the right answers and the best direction. Thankfully I have given my life to the Lord, whose wisdom and knowledge greatly surpasses our understanding. While I stumble in darkness, completely unaware of what's around or what lies ahead, thank God that He provides the guiding light.

"Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." Psalm 119:105

...I'm sorry this rambling sounds Ecclesiastes-like. Haha.

Happy List Additions:
- Midnight chats in church parking lots
- Divine Providence

The List

I did it. 

Last night, I sat down with my journal (and mom) and physically wrote out MY List. You know, girls. THE List of THE things you want/need in your "future husband". It seems pretty strange to dream and speculate about him, though. Being so young, I struggled with whether or not it was appropriate. For so long, I even thought I was never going to get married at all! 

One of the first things I ever learned when I was a toddler (and yes, we DO have this on video) was whenever my daddy would ask me, "What will daddy do if you get a boyfriend?" I would reply, "Kick me out of the house." At family parties or whenever we had company, my daddy would excitedly present this little dialogue to all the guests as entertainment, and they would laugh and laugh. I guess he never realized that I internalized this little joke as truth. Having always been "daddy's little princess," my daddy had always been protective - even greeting my prom date while cleaning his gun! Inevitably as a teenager, boys would come around with telephone calls, letters, valentines, etc., but my daddy always told me that although it was natural for boys to like me and even for me to like boys, having a formal, actual boyfriend was completely out of the question. All the while, I could not understand why my he commanded that I wait.

The pressure was always immense - beginning in middle school. At this time of out-of-control hormones, almost all my friends had gotten their first boyfriends. Typically, in our traditional Filipino culture, parents are extremely strict about boys, but my friends had theirs anyway. They would hide and sneak against their parents wishes, even encouraging me to do the same. Known as the nerdy "smart girl", physically gawky, and awkward, not having a boyfriend made me feel even more left out. One of my most hurtful experiences was when I was "asked out" by one of the cocky, popular bad boys. I said no. Rejection was something he wasn't used to, so he spread a rumor that I did so because I was a lesbian. I felt enraged, misunderstood, and was so tempted to find any boy and date him - just to prove him wrong! However, I ended up just letting it go, and the less I reacted, the less of an issue people made it. But nonetheless, I was scarred.

As I got older, I found out the more traditional rules of dating - or rather "not dating" - in Filipino culture. Typically, when a guy is interested in a girl, he stays around for a long time. At any inkling of interest, he basically meets and courts the entire family - buying them gifts, helping around the house, eating meals with them, and spending most of his time with the girl and her family. Family time replaces dates, and the title "special/best friend" replaces "boyfriend." However, because he is not technically "the boyfriend," it is possible for other guys to be coming around and doing the same. You can imagine how confusing that would get! Now that I think about it, the guy is at such a disadvantage, obligated to do so much and spend so much for a family he may not even end up being tied to. Probably the biggest example for me is my parents, who dated for seven years before they got married, never being able to spend any time alone. Their courtship was really sweet, though. 

As I got older, guys came around me and my family, but after immense prayer and strong convictions, the Lord revealed something to me. He said, "Not yet." And I had a hard time responding. I never realized how selfishly I had kept the romance aspect of my life away from God. I never really lifted my want of a "future husband" up to Him. I had always believed I would find him myself, or I would be the one to shape him myself. But the Lord revealed to me that I was going about it the wrong way, with the wrong attitude. Through my different experiences, I learned so very much, and more importantly, I realized how much more I myself need to learn, grow, and foster my divine relationship with my Father first. 

I love how Dr. Tony Evans puts it: God blesses each of us with our own garden - our own individual sphere that we ourselves are called to grow and cultivate. When it was just Adam, he rejoiced in the Garden of Eden, in close fellowship with God, growing and cultivating the garden. The Lord was all Adam needed. Then, when the Lord - not Adam - felt it was time, He created Eve. Basically, "Adam didn't go looking for someone God hadn't made yet." And isn't that the truth! In a society that stresses that you get married and settle down right away, it becomes so easy to do just that: settle. 

As I wrote out my list, I remembered that the most important thing was to dedicate The List to God. Sure, it's easy for young girls to dream of their prince charming, but what good is a prince charming, when he isn't following the King?

I was so scared that my list would be exhaustive - that I would be too specific and too picky,and  that it would be impossible to find someone who fulfilled every single one of the things I needed and wanted. However, when I actually got to it, I only had 10 descriptions. I hope that doesn't mean I have low standards! But I really want God to be creative and surprise me. To think, He has created a man just for me, and is currently growing and molding him, with all these intricate facets that will match me perfectly! At the same time, the Lord is growing, shaping, and making me into the woman that he deserves. I can't help but be excited! Just as my earthly father loves and is protective over me, even more so is my Heavenly Father, as He wants me to be patient until He brings me the One - my One - after God's own heart. 

It will be quite a while until I get married or settle down, and I know that I have tons time. However, I think I learned a valuable lesson that all young women should know and recognize: When looking for your prince charming, find one who loves God - even more than he loves you. One who has a calling from the Lord, and serves him with all his heart, mind, soul, body, and spirit. Though these princes are becoming more and more rare in today's society, they are definitely worth waiting for. I guess daddy was right after all.

"How beautiful the radiant bride, who waits for her groom, with His light in her eyes..."

- "How Beautiful" by Twila Paris

Daddy's Little Girl

Today's addition to the Happy List:
157. Trampoline at Pedros
158. The amazing community and fellowship within the Body of Christ (I really enjoyed attending Y.A.G tonight.)


Ronny grabbed my hand as we took a picture jumping on the trampoline at Pedros (my grandparents' house)...THEN...

While looking for a picture of me and my dad, I found a picture of Ronny and I jumping on a bed when we were little...holding hands. :P

Jesus freak

Ever had those moments where people give you that scrutinizing look that says "you are a freak"? Yeah, I have been on the receiving end of that look quite often this week. But somehow, I'm more proud than perturbed.

Apparently UOG is abuzz with "relationship fever". Couples are engaging in public displays of affection all over the place (Thank goodness none have found my spot!), students talk excitedly about the free flavored condoms passed out at the rotunda, and the English professors have even hopped on the bandwagon, assigning their students to conduct surveys regarding sexual activity and STDs. First, while in the bathroom, this girl asked me if I had a boyfriend. When I responded that I don't, and never had, she responded with the "freak" look and could not believe it: "What?! Why?! Never?! How?! Are you okay with that?!". I couldn't help but wonder why this person I barely know would take such an active interest in my love life - or lack thereof - and mind my business, when she was supposed to be doing her business. It was weird.

Next, I was given one of those surveys about sexual activity and STDs, and I had a difficult time answering. It's strange how random students feel comfortable handing it to you in the hallway and then unabashedly reading your answers once you hand it back to them. The first question was, "How many sexual partners have you had?" and I could not help but notice that "None" was not an option. When I asked about this, they gave me the "freak" look and said, "Oh, I don't know. No one else has asked that." I then proceeded to create my own option, and wrote in "N/A" for the rest of the questions.

Then, while walking to my spot, I was ambushed by a media crew, carrying one of those huge professional cameras to my face:

Girl: "Hi! Can I interview you about Blue Night?" (Note: Apparently, Blue Night is an all-out drinking party for all UOG students. It's at one of Guam's most popular night clubs, and I have heard it gets crazy.)

Me: "Oh, sorry, I don't know much about that..."

Girl: "Well! It's a good thing you ran into us then! This year's is at the Globe! It's going to be an awesome, huge parrrtaayyyy! So, you gonna go?"

Me: "Oh, uhm...I don't drink or go out. Heh."

Girl: "Well, you don't have to drink! Just come anyway for the party!"

Me: "Oh, I don't go to clubs. I've never been..."

(In an awkward pause, the entire crew gawks at me and gives me the "freak" look.)

Girl: "Woah! Why?!"

Me: "Uhm...my beliefs. But regardless, I hope you all have fun!"

Girl: "Oh, what's your name?" (and the cameraman has the camera pointed right at me)

Me: "Tabitha."

Girl: "Oh...I've heard of you...Okay, well thanks anyway. Bye!"

That last part got me worried. What DID she mean by that? Is it a known fact that I'm a freak? I went to my spot and contemplated as I watched the waves crash against the rocks and enjoyed my raisin bagel with cream cheese in peaceful solitude. 

Now, I've never been a Jamie Sullivan (Walk to Remember), but I never thought abstaining from those things was rare or different at all. I'm sure there must be others like me, who maybe just aren't as open in saying that they don't do those things. It saddened me to think that drinking, partying, and sex are commonly considered rites of passage in college life. However, I also don't want to ever give off  a holier-than-thou kind of vibe. It's difficult to be surrounded by those things, and not become numb to them. I've been around others while they drank and many of my friends are open about their active bedroom activities, but despite the exposure, I never really had the urge to conform. I also don't see it necessary to condemn them and start preaching up in their face. I trust that God will provide the right time and right situation to share. More and more, I'm learning what it means to be in, but not of the world (John 17), and sometimes just peacefully and openly abstaining can speak volumes more than scolding them about their lifestyles.

 I just pray that by simply living for Him, I can show others that having God in your life provides an even greater emotional high than alcohol ever could, how refreshing it is to be intoxicated with His presence and never have to fear a painful hangover, how being with Him in heaven one day will be THE biggest "parrrtaay" in all eternity, and how God's everlasting love is infinitely greater than anything you'll ever experience from anyone else. If that makes me a freak, then I guess I am. A Jesus freak. :]

Today's addition to the Happy List:

157. Cream cheese

158. My new baking pan engraved with the words "Homemade by: Tabitha Espina"

HIIIYYAAAA!!

I am having WAY too much fun with these kung fu-looking pants my grandma gave me for my birthday. I tied my hair up in a bun and have found a fake ninja sword to wield. I must say, it's pret-ty sweet!



Speaking of birthday, I celebrated it for the fourth time last night, this time with my mom's side of the family. It was...interesting, emotional, and sometimes awkward. I broke the news about my change of major. Let's just say that I never thought I would hear my grandpa and uncle tell me that I "intimidate" them. I honestly don't mean to, but I just get so passionate. Plus, I had to speak loudly enough for Grandpa's hearing aide.
But overall, I feel so blessed to have a family of Christian believers, who are so encouraging in my walk with the Lord. The night could have gone much worse.

Oh, and after watching Anne of Green Gables after several years, I had forgotten how much I love it. I see myself a lot in Anne's passionate, impulsive, literature-loving, and imaginative spirit. Hey! Maybe then I'll end up with someone like Gilbert Blythe, too. :] One can only dream...



Today's Addition to the Happy List:
155. My kung-fu pants
156. Anne of Green Gables

Feeling sunny...

So yesterday I was actually able to sleep-in on my Friday. Although I usually jump at the chance to get more rest, I found myself feeling sad that Bible Club was postponed for the day. I've been spending my Friday mornings at Bible Club at a local middle school, and it's truly something I look forward to. You know it's only by miracle when a room is wall-to-wall full of rebellious middle schoolers with raging hormones, who are actually quiet, attentively listening, and worshipping the Lord early in the morning before school. These kids are hungry and thirsting to know who God is, and that in itself has been so encouraging to me. So often I become complacent in my faith, believing that I know all that I need to. However, seeing these kids' yearning is teaching me more and more about truly seeking Him. I am reminded of Matthew 19:14 (NLT): "But Jesus said, 'Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children.'" That's what I need: to come to the Father in meekness and sincerity, with a childlike yearning for more - more of His teaching, more of His character, and just more of His presence.

God surely knows how selfish I was being. When the opportunity arose for me to help with the Club, I was indignant. I reasoned, "No! Fridays are MY day off! My only day to sleep-in! No! I use Fridays for homework catch-up. Plus, I can't stand middle school!" Gosh, just typing it makes me ashamed. After months of rebellion, I finally went, and it felt like a big slap to my selfishness and (no surprise here) my pride. I was thinking myself so righteous, "sacrificing" my time to be there to "teach" them, but if anything, I feel as though the Lord brought me in to actually learn from them. By waiting so long, the only thing I sacrificed was an opportunity to grow more in my faith.

Despite not having Bible Club that morning, I still was blessed with a wonderful day, spent with my brother. Despite being younger than me and having a polar-opposite personality, we get along exceedingly well. I often refer to him as my balance. While I am impulsive, passionate, and intense, he is pensive, logical, witty, and calm. His wisdom often astounds me, as he tells me just what I needed to hear - even when I'd rather not hear it. I admire him so much, and sometimes I feel like a dork, being the older sibling and yet wanting so badly to spend time with my younger brother! But he is amazing. I love driving with him, listening to music, and sharing with him, as we both open up completely about what is going on in our lives - a rare occurrence, I think, for teenage siblings. I love how God is often the main (if not only) topic of conversation. While eating lunch, he asked to pray for me! Can you believe that?! Honestly, it was one of the kindest, most sincere, most loving prayers I have ever had over me. I will never forget it. It must have been a strange sight: two teenagers, hugging in the corner of Pojos restaurant, gasping, weeping, and praying. But my brother has such a great way of bringing back the humor. While walking back to my car, he smiled, wiped the tears from his eyes, and said, "Agh! I hate crying." Love love love love love him. He is going to make a fantastic husband one day - but I cannot help but feel sorry for the girl who has to feel the wrath of an extremely over-protective big sister.

& As if I wasn't having a good enough day, Michelle, Abby, and I decide to have yet another Girls' Night, which turned into an unintentional sleep over. I love our Girls' Nights! They always end with me feeling joyful, encouraged, and renewed. They both are such godly young women, who just overflow with Christ's love, and whose lives are a living testament of the amazing things the Lord can do with a life that's given to Him. They both continue to be such encouragements to me. 

One of the things I enjoy most about our Girls' Nights is the wholesome, good fun. We watched a romantic movie (which was "endearing creepy" - like Michelle), attempted to put together a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle (with the most dedicated being Abby), did some Bible trivia, ate tons of snacks (chocolate, nachos, chips, ice cream, and Abby's yummy Taco Popcorn), watched Christian comedians and practical jokes on Youtube, stayed up having one of those intense, heartfelt, midnight girl talks (with Michelle falling asleep at midnight and only contributing "zzzZZZZ..." to the conversation), and Abby and I fell asleep on the couch watching Anne of Green Gables until 3 or 4 am. It was wonderful waking up in the company of friends - especially when no one had anticipated it. *cough* Michelle *cough*

<

Between classes with Ronalyne...



Creeping Craig...


OYYA Bible Study...See the hateful looks they reserve for innocent, little me? When Abby said she had really good news, I merely tried to capture the moment. & THIS is what I got...

Despite the rain pouring heavily outside, my heart feels sunny and light. :] Praise God!

Today's addition to the Happy List:
154. Waking up with friends

Love?

Today, I feel as though I might have bitten off more than I can chew. I need time to just...digest. 

I am home from yet another fantastic Wednesday Night Bible Study, and I am just in AWE of God's goodness, grace, and involvement in my life. I don't deserve it. The topic was "How do you know God is speaking to you?" and just look at my previous blog! Again, not arbitrary. Then, we began talking about finding your place within the church, and I have been praying for one of my friends, who is seeking direction on which church to attend and where God could use her best. I know the Lord will speak to her. 

But then, the Lord continued to show me just how much He cares. Tonight, my macho-man dad was brought to tears - and it takes a lot to bring my dad to tears. He admitted that he has been wrestling with my revelation of becoming a schoolteacher. Initially, he was not supportive at all, and a rift had formed between he and I since I broke the news to him. His words stung me and hurt me more than I can describe, especially since I have always been "Daddy's girl". He was angry, upset, and worried that I would "struggle financially" like he and my mom do on their teacher salaries. However, he said that the Lord convicted him of his pride, as well. He said that through this, he has learned to trust the Lord more, especially in provision and guidance. He ended by saying, "My wife reminded me that the kids are not ours. They're God's. And they are walking in Him and trusting Him, so I should trust too that God will take care of them. If they're following the Lord, I can't say anything." I could not believe what I was hearing! I had been praying that God would change my dad's heart, but I had not expected it to be that fast! Oh Lord, you amaze me. 

Okay, so I know I always jokingly refer to it as my "hippie class," but I sincerely do enjoy PY100 Personal Adjustment. I feel like I learn so much. For our first project, we were supposed to give up something or change something about ourselves for one week, in an attempt at self-improvement. People had some really intense topics! Some gave up various drugs, alcohol, severe coffee addictions, and staying out all night in bars and clubs. I have never thought of myself as sheltered, but I could not help but be shocked by some of my peer's lifestyles! Some of them were so heartfelt in their yearning for change, tears formed in my eyes as I listened. I wish I could say my topic was bold and inspirational, but it wasn't. I simply gave up staying up late, reporting on my attempts to sleep before 12am every night for one week. (Lame, I know.) 

But today we embarked on a new topic - one which I am quite oblivious about: LOVE. Having never had a boyfriend, I cannot say I am fully accustomed to normal teenage dating rituals. The topic enthralled me completely, as I love hearing other people's experiences, funny boyfriend/girlfriend stories, and my peers' general idea of what love is. Yet, the highlight for me is quite surprising, and even now I'm not completely sure what to think of it.

There he sat: brown, built, wearing a shirt that said "Chamorro Supremacy" and one of those expensive, authentic ancient Chamorro chief necklaces. The question posed to him was, "How do you show the people you love that you love them?" He answered something like, "Well, I tell them at least once a day that I love them and I also show them through actions, like helping and caring for them. I also love to cuddle. I also make sure to thank them, at least once a day, for being in my life." Of course, this made all the girls "Ooh" and "Aww" and even made some exclaim, "Your girlfriend is so lucky!" and "Do you have a brother?" Then, he continued, "And I don't know if everyone will agree with me, but there's also God's love. I believe you can see God in everyone, and by loving others, you love God." 

As the professor attempted to change the subject, the guy slowly raised his hand and in a voice as low as a whisper, he added, "Oh, and one more thing. I'm gay."

The class immediately became quiet. The professor thanked him for being open, but it did not deter from the fact that the class had grown uncomfortably awkward. At first, I was unsure what to think. Here I was, overjoyed that someone had brought God into our class conversation about love, but with that one confession, my view of my classmate had completely changed. I know that one of the biggest, most controversial issues in the Christian community today is whether or not to allow open homosexuals into church congregations. However, I found myself ashamed for quickly judging my classmate. Here he was, obviously loving the Lord enough to bring Him up in regular conversation, and yet why did we feel as though his words hold less weight, just because of his sexual orientation? Can a murderer not say and mean that he loves the Lord? How about a liar? An adulterer? Yes, we have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God, but yet why do we hold some people's sin against them, and continue to condemn them, knowing that we too have done things that do not please God? I know that many people say that such a lifestyle is an abomination to God, but I cannot help but remember that God loves each and every one of us, right where we're at, even in our faults, doubts, weaknesses, and sin. Although I don't condone his lifestyle at all, I understand also that I do not have the authority to judge and condemn him. If he continues to walk in the Lord, I pray he will be convicted to repent and turn from his ways. However, I truly feel it is not my place to judge whether or not his relationship with the Lord is sincere. Only God sees his heart. God is the righteous, all-knowing judge - not me. And although I may not approve of his sexual preference, I have no right or reason to dislike him. I always found it amazing that although God abhors sin, He still loves the sinner. These lyrics continually resounded in my head all day: "Words of compassion will cause a reaction when love draws them near..." I truly believe that the biggest mark of a Christian is Christlike love - one which is sincere, non-judgmental, bountiful, and embracing.

 This topic is still very new to me, and I cannot say I have looked it up extensively in scripture. However, here is a brief excerpt from the end of Francis A. Schaeffer's "The Mark of the Christian":

"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love on another. (John 13:34-35) 

That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe thou hast sent me. (John 17:21) 

What then shall we conclude but that as the Samaritan loved the wounded man, we as Christians are called upon to love all men as neighbors, loving them as ourselves. Second, that we are to love all true Christian brothers in a way that they world may observe. This means showing love to our brothers in the midst of our differences - great or small - loving our brothers when it costs us something, loving them even under times of tremendous emotional tension, loving them in a way the world can see... Love - and the unity it attests to - is the mark Christ gave Christians to wear before the world. Only with this mark may the world know that Christians are indeed Christians and that Jesus was sent by the Father...All men bear the image of God. They have value, not because they are redeemed, but  because they are God's creation in God's image."

I look forward to hearing your thoughts... 

My day...

Daddy packed me this delicious beef stew!! Mmm....



So one of the coconut trees at "my spot" is bent in such a way that it creates the perfect little "seat"


Meeting Michelle at a cool little coffee shop 2 minutes from campus. Great blended drinks and even better conversation...

Today's addition to the Happy List:
153. Mom's and Dad's hilarious teacher stories

"Beautiful is the One who is speaking to me..."

Although I love having an additional way of correspondence with Michelle, Lizl, Abby, and all the others here on Blogger, my main intention of creating this blog is to share all that I've gone through and am currently going through, in hopes it will be an encouragement to those who read it. It has been quite a year, so far. Big changes. Big revelations. But I feel stronger for them - especially in regard to my walk with the Lord. I have never before felt such closeness to Him, despite considering myself a Christian for what seems like my entire life. It's strange, yet exhilarating. I won't lie, I often find myself spiritually and emotionally exhausted, as I feel  the Lord constantly stretching and tugging on my heartstrings. However, I know that He is growing me, molding me, shaping me, and preparing me for His purposes - a cause for which I can't help but be excited! Hence, this is "My Genesis" - the origin of my formation into something. Though I may not know the exact outcome, I trust God with this process.

I've been putting this off for quite a while, because I honestly don't know where to start. Again, since I'm playing catch-up, I warn you readers, this WILL be long. I guess I'll start with my "Major Change". Literally. I'm changing my college major. I have been sharing my testimony in various ways, and each time has given me renewed strength. The first was with my Auntie and Uncle, who are both C.P.A's and were trying to help me get another scholarship with the Association of Government Accountants. I then had to humbly reply that I was no longer pursuing my original "Business Administration with a Concentration in Accounting" degree. I was shaking with nervousness while typing out the e-mail, but their response was phenomenally supportive. My Auntie said that it spoke personally to her about her faith, and my Uncle was so excited, he immediately brought up a missions teaching opportunity! Amazing how God opens doors and opens hearts.

Next, I shared my testimony with our Wednesday Night Bible Study, and Pastor Gary not only offered yet another missions opportunity, but also wants to get it published! God just keeps finding the most creative ways to reaffirm that I'm where He wants me. Before Bible Study, Jesse felt the Lord placing the hymn "I Surrender All" on his heart. Although he didn't know why, he got the CD, printed the lyrics, and wanted to share it before the study ended. However, after I shared my testimony, speaking constantly about surrender, it all became clear why he was supposed to share that particular song. God is good.

Then, Laura from YWAM asked me to share it at their farewell/youth event at Zion church. I was incredibly late, but the Lord made a way. I was probably the most nervous I have ever been in my life (and I usually jump at the chance for public speaking!), but I kept praying that it would be the Lord's words - not mine - and that He would speak through me. I guess people heard Him, because they responded encouragingly, as well.

Then, I shared it at church. I'll be posting the video here at the end of this blog, actually, in case anyone is bored enough to watch the entire ten minutes. Hah! But Pastor Gary said people who were visiting church for the first time were so touched that they want to come back! I also had numerous members passionately and tearfully come up to me, telling me they were encouraged. That really meant the world to me, especially since I have also experienced some hurtful criticism from people whose words mean a lot to me. I have to constantly and fervently pray to God for strength, as the opposition has become quite overwhelming.

My entire testimony and epiphany, if you will, is actually quite long and is the culmination of a series of intensely humbling experiences. Honestly, when I was little, I had always thought I was going to be a teacher, but simply put, my pride got in my way. I have often been deemed an "overachiever," allowing others and myself to develop ridiculously high expectations for me. I would drive myself crazy trying to live up to everything everyone wanted me to be, and chastise myself every time I believed I had fallen short. For so long, I thrived on their approval and acceptance, but now, I realize that the only One I was made to please is God. I now realize how futile it is to try to please the world.

As any other day, I pulled into The School of Business an hour early to attempt to get some work done before my first class. However, I felt the Lord calling me to be still within my car and just rest in His presence. I did so, and it was then that He spoke to me and convicted me. I imagined myself before Him, as He asked me about what I did throughout my life with the gifts and talents He blessed me with. I struggled with an answer. I had to admit to myself that in the place I was at, He probably would not say to me, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." It struck me quite the blow, considering how passionately I believe that my life's purpose is to serve God utterly and completely with my entire being. I obviously wasn't doing that. I constantly prayed for the Lord's direction, and would become frustrated when I felt like I wasn't "hearing" from Him. However, it wasn't that He wasn't speaking. I just refused to listen.

I realized that I was selfishly clinging to my future and trying to "play God" by deciding how and where I would serve Him, instead of completely surrendering to His righteous and perfect plan. I came to the realization that when we give our lives to God, He wants all of it: heart, mind, soul - past, present, and future. When I fully evaluated why exactly I was majoring in BA Accounting, the reasons scared me. If I put aside pride, others' expectations, and my lack of faith that God will provide enough for me, I really had no good reason.

I struggled with the thought all day, and when I came home, I tearfully talked to my mom. Her wisdom always astounds me. I had talked to her previously before about becoming a teacher, and despite her encouragement, I continued to ignore God's whispers and continued to go about my own way. When I told her that I was finally ready and convicted that I was born to be a teacher, she cried. She said that she always knew it and the thought of me being an accountant has been unsettled on her heart, as she had been continually praying for me. When I mentioned changing my major to various teachers and professors, they all told me that they had known it all along and that English and teaching are my "God-given gifts" - in that exact terminology! I know that isn't arbitrary.

However, I did not want to make a rash decision, and all week, I prayed for God's reaffirmation. In addition to various radio sermons and worship songs that seemed to speak personally to me, the biggest reaffirmation came from a source that was most unexpected: my Intro to Government Regulations professor. I tell the story vividly in my video (like my subtle attempt to get you to watch it?), but in that one humbling experience, the Lord used him to tell me to "get out" - out of my pride, out of my selfishness, out of the mold of the world's expectations, out of the School of Business, and essentially back into His arms. In my stubbornness, I had refused to listen to His whispers. So, the Lord called me out - with a call that was so big and so loud, that I could not deny it attention. Thank God for his divine intervention!

So, in essence, I am changing my major to Elementary Education. I'm also praying that I am able to double major in English, with a Literature emphasis. However, I'm leaving it all in His most capable Hands. I can't even begin to describe my excitement in finding out how the Lord will use me in this field. If I had known the peace and sheer joy that comes from surrender and obedience to Him, I honestly would have done it a long time ago.

Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"  

Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to those that love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

1 Corinthians 10:31 "Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God."

"So take my heart, and form it. Take my mind, transform it. Take my will, conform it. To Yours, to Yours, oh Lord..."

**Today's additions to my happy list: 

151. My spot on campus under the coconut tree, with a cliffside view of the ocean and the lush hills of Mangilao

152. Bake Sales

The Happy List

So Michelle has been urging me to make a blog, and for so long I have been hesitant. I don't know. I just don't think my life is that interesting enough to write continuously about. However, this idea provided just the right opportunity! I admit, though, I can't take full credit. Gaining inspiration from Ronny's book "14,000 Things to Be Happy About" by B. Kipfer, I've decided to make my own "Happy List"! Amazing how much you can learn about a person, just by reading about what makes them happy. I understand that not everything will make sense to everyone, but I'm hoping my friends will learn more about me, and as I look through the list later in life, I'll probably be able to learn more about myself - being able to see my growth and hopefully remembering what happened and how I felt when I wrote something. Each one tells a story. 

I am SO EXCITED! Oh, and also, I'm going to try to end every blog entry with at least one new addition to the list. That way, I'll try to find at least one thing to be happy about every day (that I blog)! & The BEST part is: if I ever need a pick-me-up, I'll simply peruse through my list to put a smile on my face, and hopefully on others' as well. :) HERE GOES!!!!!! (Once I got started I couldn't stop. So I warn you, this WILL be long. Two of my pens ran out of ink before I finished in my journal.)

WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY:

1. My source of utmost joy is simply Him. I love you, Lord. <3

2. Good ideas - like this

3. Lone drives on sunny days with the windows down, sunroof open, hair blowing in the wind, and singing at the top of my lungs to just the right worship song blasting through the stereo

4. Songs that speak personally to me

5. Days to contemplate

6. Stream-of-consciousness writing

7. Literature that touches your soul, as your heart rises and falls with the undulations of the unfolding plot

8. Friday morning Bible Club at F.B. Middle School

9. That tiny old man who wears rubber rain boots and sells newspapers by the road (His smile gets me EVERY time.)

10. My brother Ronny's wise, hilarious insight (e.g. "Well, if we got it right all the time, we'd be Jesus.")

11. Perpetual summertime on Guam

12. Quiet afternoons on the couch, under my favorite knit blanket with a good book

13. Rainy nights with hot chocolate

14. Books with personality: frayed edges, food-stained pages, crumbs within the spine, highlighted, underlined, and messy scrawl in the margins

15. The crisp pages and smell of a new book

16. CLEAN bare feet 

17. Divine revelations

18. Church - my happy place

19. Sunday morning worship

20. Good, powerful radio sermons

21. Song inspiration

22. The Brady Bunch

23. Night drives with good friends, good conversation, and good music

24. Driving all day and the gas gauge has barely moved

25. Having a camera when you need it

26. Heartfelt hugs

27. The feel and smell of Mom's skin

28. Random hugs from Ronny to "Tabba"

29. Kisses on my head from Daddy as he says, "Love you, baby girl."

30. When my parents call each other "sweetheart"

31. Quality family time

32. Sunday afternoons with no homework

33. No homework. Period.

34. Girl time

35. When God brings just the right people into your life, right when you need them the most

36. The peacefulness of Cecile and Craig's living room

37. Reminders of God's love

38. People who shine with God's love

39. A plethora of pens

40. Inspiring testimonies

41. Finding just the right scripture

42. Leaving messages on Michelle's voicemail before my first morning class

43. The fact that Abby's always ready for spur-of-the-moment "plans"

44. The mutual understanding known as "Guam Time"

45. Cecile's tiramisu and afternoon talks after an exhausting day

46. The sound of mom's voice and piano resonating throughout the house as she prepares her worship lineup

47. Finding the right words to say

48. Billy's silent laugh that makes him cough and eyes bulge

49. Island hospitality

50. Cars that signal

51. When people wave after you've allowed them to change into your lane

52. Scaring Craig

53. FACEBOOK

54. Looking through old pictures

55. Non-awkward telephone conversations

56. Listening to Ronny practice in his room

57. Starry nights

58. Bubbly shakes on a hot day

59. Walking to class and seeing the ocean view

60. The fact that nothing is arbitrary

61. Reminders of God's personal involvement in my life

62. Quiet time

63. 80's music

64. Snow cones during the Liberation Day parade

65. Handmade/hand-written cards

66. Having a good song stuck in your head

67. Literature class

68. The smell of Daddy's cooking when I wake up

69. My lunch pail packed by Daddy (even when I'm in college)

70. Life's soundtrack

71. Acts 9 - my namesake

72. The names "Noah" and "Esther Rose"

73. Little children smiling and excitedly yelling my name

74. Group hugs

75. The thought of teaching elementary school

76. Tearful talks on the bed with Mom

77. Sneaking out onto the roof to watch the stars and wait for sunrise

78. The thought of seeing real snow one day

79. Someone saying, "I was thinking of you today."

80. Wednesday night Bible study with some of the most godly people I know

81. Being called a "nerd"

82. The prevention of a potentially humiliating experience

83. Going around the island

84. Lunch with friends

85. Hair falling onto my face in just the right place

86. Knowing that God provides

87. Falling asleep in a pile of unfolded laundry fresh out of the dryer

88. My personal library cubicle

89. When people say my car is clean (albeit rare)

90. "When I talk to Tabby, I feel like I'm reading a novel." - Richard

91. My obsession with pneumonic devices

92. Playing with my hair

93. Nights at the YWAM base

94. Surprise parties

95. The pile of typed, completed paperwork that I measure between my fingers

96. Joy William's voice

97. Blistex

98. Knowing I'm never alone

99. Mom greeting me at the back door when I get home

100. Our first attempt at a family photo shoot (I'm laughing out loud)

101. Catching embarrassing moments on camera

102. Messages from friends

103. Corny Caser Family gatherings, complete with songs by the piano and color-coordinating outfits

104. The availability of rice

105. "Walks along the beach"

106. Flowers on Valentine's Day

107. Balloons for every occasion

108. Chris Rice, Michael Buble, Nathan Angelo, John Mayer, Jason Mraz

109. Giving gifts "just because"

110. Google

111. Girl coffee dates

112. Photo montages

113. Old people

114. Babies

115. Matching plumeria clips

116. The smell of clean

117. Great days of fellowship

118. The power of prayer

119. Cheesy comedies that make girls gasp, tear, and go, "Aww!"

120. Curled toes

121. "The perfect bite" (TM)

122. Yummy left-overs

123. Buy one, get one free

124. Free t-shirts

125. Grandma Sue's hugs

126. Soft, springy grass wet with morning dew

127. Triple rainbows

128. Feather quills and old-fashioned keys

129. Old papers from elementary school

130. My name which I wrote in permanent marker beneath my doorknob when I was three

131. The mohawk-ed carabao man at Fort Soledad

132. Walking arm-in-arm with Daddy

133. Chocolate-covered gummy bears

134. Finding forgotten snacks in my bag that are still good

135. Reading what someone scratched out

136. The letter "Z"

137. Watching others misjudge the depth of a puddle

138. Swimming

139. Having a good song stuck in my head

140. Group hugs

141. Sleepovers, minus the sleep

142. Camera self-timer + tripod

143. Grilled peanut butter and banana sandwiches

144. The magical disappearance of a pimple

145. Daydreaming

146. Pigtails, sundresses, and lace socks on little girls

147. How rain can stop in 2 seconds on Guam

148. Clear nail polish

149. Cool Whip

150. A full refrigerator

...& There's more to come.