"Beautiful is the One who is speaking to me..."

Although I love having an additional way of correspondence with Michelle, Lizl, Abby, and all the others here on Blogger, my main intention of creating this blog is to share all that I've gone through and am currently going through, in hopes it will be an encouragement to those who read it. It has been quite a year, so far. Big changes. Big revelations. But I feel stronger for them - especially in regard to my walk with the Lord. I have never before felt such closeness to Him, despite considering myself a Christian for what seems like my entire life. It's strange, yet exhilarating. I won't lie, I often find myself spiritually and emotionally exhausted, as I feel  the Lord constantly stretching and tugging on my heartstrings. However, I know that He is growing me, molding me, shaping me, and preparing me for His purposes - a cause for which I can't help but be excited! Hence, this is "My Genesis" - the origin of my formation into something. Though I may not know the exact outcome, I trust God with this process.

I've been putting this off for quite a while, because I honestly don't know where to start. Again, since I'm playing catch-up, I warn you readers, this WILL be long. I guess I'll start with my "Major Change". Literally. I'm changing my college major. I have been sharing my testimony in various ways, and each time has given me renewed strength. The first was with my Auntie and Uncle, who are both C.P.A's and were trying to help me get another scholarship with the Association of Government Accountants. I then had to humbly reply that I was no longer pursuing my original "Business Administration with a Concentration in Accounting" degree. I was shaking with nervousness while typing out the e-mail, but their response was phenomenally supportive. My Auntie said that it spoke personally to her about her faith, and my Uncle was so excited, he immediately brought up a missions teaching opportunity! Amazing how God opens doors and opens hearts.

Next, I shared my testimony with our Wednesday Night Bible Study, and Pastor Gary not only offered yet another missions opportunity, but also wants to get it published! God just keeps finding the most creative ways to reaffirm that I'm where He wants me. Before Bible Study, Jesse felt the Lord placing the hymn "I Surrender All" on his heart. Although he didn't know why, he got the CD, printed the lyrics, and wanted to share it before the study ended. However, after I shared my testimony, speaking constantly about surrender, it all became clear why he was supposed to share that particular song. God is good.

Then, Laura from YWAM asked me to share it at their farewell/youth event at Zion church. I was incredibly late, but the Lord made a way. I was probably the most nervous I have ever been in my life (and I usually jump at the chance for public speaking!), but I kept praying that it would be the Lord's words - not mine - and that He would speak through me. I guess people heard Him, because they responded encouragingly, as well.

Then, I shared it at church. I'll be posting the video here at the end of this blog, actually, in case anyone is bored enough to watch the entire ten minutes. Hah! But Pastor Gary said people who were visiting church for the first time were so touched that they want to come back! I also had numerous members passionately and tearfully come up to me, telling me they were encouraged. That really meant the world to me, especially since I have also experienced some hurtful criticism from people whose words mean a lot to me. I have to constantly and fervently pray to God for strength, as the opposition has become quite overwhelming.

My entire testimony and epiphany, if you will, is actually quite long and is the culmination of a series of intensely humbling experiences. Honestly, when I was little, I had always thought I was going to be a teacher, but simply put, my pride got in my way. I have often been deemed an "overachiever," allowing others and myself to develop ridiculously high expectations for me. I would drive myself crazy trying to live up to everything everyone wanted me to be, and chastise myself every time I believed I had fallen short. For so long, I thrived on their approval and acceptance, but now, I realize that the only One I was made to please is God. I now realize how futile it is to try to please the world.

As any other day, I pulled into The School of Business an hour early to attempt to get some work done before my first class. However, I felt the Lord calling me to be still within my car and just rest in His presence. I did so, and it was then that He spoke to me and convicted me. I imagined myself before Him, as He asked me about what I did throughout my life with the gifts and talents He blessed me with. I struggled with an answer. I had to admit to myself that in the place I was at, He probably would not say to me, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." It struck me quite the blow, considering how passionately I believe that my life's purpose is to serve God utterly and completely with my entire being. I obviously wasn't doing that. I constantly prayed for the Lord's direction, and would become frustrated when I felt like I wasn't "hearing" from Him. However, it wasn't that He wasn't speaking. I just refused to listen.

I realized that I was selfishly clinging to my future and trying to "play God" by deciding how and where I would serve Him, instead of completely surrendering to His righteous and perfect plan. I came to the realization that when we give our lives to God, He wants all of it: heart, mind, soul - past, present, and future. When I fully evaluated why exactly I was majoring in BA Accounting, the reasons scared me. If I put aside pride, others' expectations, and my lack of faith that God will provide enough for me, I really had no good reason.

I struggled with the thought all day, and when I came home, I tearfully talked to my mom. Her wisdom always astounds me. I had talked to her previously before about becoming a teacher, and despite her encouragement, I continued to ignore God's whispers and continued to go about my own way. When I told her that I was finally ready and convicted that I was born to be a teacher, she cried. She said that she always knew it and the thought of me being an accountant has been unsettled on her heart, as she had been continually praying for me. When I mentioned changing my major to various teachers and professors, they all told me that they had known it all along and that English and teaching are my "God-given gifts" - in that exact terminology! I know that isn't arbitrary.

However, I did not want to make a rash decision, and all week, I prayed for God's reaffirmation. In addition to various radio sermons and worship songs that seemed to speak personally to me, the biggest reaffirmation came from a source that was most unexpected: my Intro to Government Regulations professor. I tell the story vividly in my video (like my subtle attempt to get you to watch it?), but in that one humbling experience, the Lord used him to tell me to "get out" - out of my pride, out of my selfishness, out of the mold of the world's expectations, out of the School of Business, and essentially back into His arms. In my stubbornness, I had refused to listen to His whispers. So, the Lord called me out - with a call that was so big and so loud, that I could not deny it attention. Thank God for his divine intervention!

So, in essence, I am changing my major to Elementary Education. I'm also praying that I am able to double major in English, with a Literature emphasis. However, I'm leaving it all in His most capable Hands. I can't even begin to describe my excitement in finding out how the Lord will use me in this field. If I had known the peace and sheer joy that comes from surrender and obedience to Him, I honestly would have done it a long time ago.

Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"  

Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to those that love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

1 Corinthians 10:31 "Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God."

"So take my heart, and form it. Take my mind, transform it. Take my will, conform it. To Yours, to Yours, oh Lord..."

**Today's additions to my happy list: 

151. My spot on campus under the coconut tree, with a cliffside view of the ocean and the lush hills of Mangilao

152. Bake Sales