The Freedom That Comes With Surrender

Batter my heart, three-personed God, for You

As yet but knock, breathe,  shine, and seek to mend.

That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend

Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.

I, like an usurped town to another due,

Labor to admit You, but Oh! to no end.

Reason, Your viceroy in me, me should defend,

But is captivated, and proves weak or untrue.

Yet dearly I love You, and would be loved fain,

But am betrothed unto Your enemy;

Divorce me, untie or break that knot again;

Take me to You, imprison me, for I,

Except You enthrall me, never shall be free,

Nor ever chaste, except You ravish me.

- "Batter my heart, three-personed God, for You" by John Donne (1610)

I am simply amazed at how God just gives and gives. Especially when I truly don't deserve it. However, I cannot help but feel as though when we are faithful in giving Him our lives (and everything in them) and allowing Him to work within them, He will - and in ways even greater than we can imagine! Just when I thought He had blessed me with so much, HE QUADRUPLES IT! (CLICK HERE!)

& I won't lie. I struggled with selfishness and rationalizing and even bargaining with God. And like the poem above says, it hurt. However, I only felt as though the money was being painfully wrenched from me because my grasp on it had been so tight. Once I loosened my grasp and made sure greed did not take hold of me, it's amazing how easily I was able to lift it up with open arms to God. & I can trust that He will use it completely and utterly for HIS PURPOSES.

 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

What else can I say but: GOD IS SO GOOD!!!! HALLELUJAH!!!

Happy List Additions

- Piggy banks

- Post-its and tabs

All to Thee...

Yesterday was the big day. After weeks of practicing, preparing, and praying, it was time for the girls to do their worship dance in front of the entire school during a Cultural Talent Show. So many thoughts were racing through my mind, as the girls prepared to go up, nervousness evident in their faces...

"Lord God, may YOU be glorified through this. & Only You. All for You! "

I'm ashamed to say it, but I was truly scared. How would the entire student body take it? Would they be respectful and listen and watch? Or would they cat-call and ridicule? I don't know how I would take that, being so protective of my girls and the amazing message they would be sharing. Even scarier to me was thinking about the teacher's reactions. Would they be upset that God was being presented to their students, when countless rules prohibit it?

But it was amazing how God washed all my fears away. The girls were absolutely fantastic. & God worked through everything. The first thing people noticed was, "Wow, they're all matching!" One particular teacher, in seeing the uniformity in motions and in dress, even remarked, "You KNOW that's God." Oh, how that was my prayer! That people would see the worship dance and KNOW it was ALL for and through HIM! & How He had shown Himself through something as simple as a uniform - and how HE had been the One who had provided it (see previous post). & Just when I thought matching shirts were enough, God provided a way for me to purchase matching lava lava wraps for ALL of them! He provided more than enough! Unbelievable! God's provision is amazing. Truly amazing!

& Students AND teachers said afterward that they cried! Both said they were so touched by the message and the dance. A teacher even said, "You know, throughout all the other dances, kids were making fun and teachers kept criticizing, but when you guys went up, everyone was silent. Everyone watched. And no one said a word." Undeniably the Holy Spirit at work! & Amazing how through her simple remark, God calmed my specific fears.

The girls themselves were changed. They came up to me with tears in their eyes, saying, "Tabby, thank you for the shirts and lava lavas (wraps). We feel bad. Can we pay you back?" But I assured them that no, they have been such blessings to me, and I wanted to somehow bless them. I'll never forget the looks on their faces, which seemed to say, "Wow, you would do that? For me?" One girl in particular gave me a look that pierced deep into my soul. It was a look of such sheer thankfulness, my eyes became glassy. I learned later that she had been abandoned by both her parents, and constantly acted out. This made that look even more meaningful. Even as all the other girls had changed out of their costumes after the dance, she kept hers on the entire day and constantly smiled at me as she held it. Lord God, I am unworthy to feel the blessings of the entire experience!

& To top it all off, we prayed. YES! There, in the midst of an entirely assembly, within a public school, the girls asked me to pray for them as we held hands in a circle! Indeed, God was listening.

"Give unto the Lord, O you mighty ones, Give unto the Lord glory and strength. Give unto the Lord the glory due to His name; Worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness." Psalm 29:1-2

Additions to the Happy List:

- The 17 girls of the first worship dance at F.B. Middle School

Great is Thy Faithfulness

"We give thanks to You, O God, we give thanks! For Your wondrous works declare that Your name is near." Psalm 75:1

Ever have those moments where you can't help but shout, "Hallelujah!"? Sometimes we just need those moments of divine providence that cause us to sing, shout, and dance in rejoicing. & After what transpired, I couldn't help but do all three in earnest.

The past couple of weeks have been quite difficult for me. With the added stress of intense midterm exams, I've just been emotionally, physically, and spiritually exhausted. It reminds me of a funny conversation I had with my mom in the car this week:

Mom: "Tab! Don't speed! There are reasons there are speed limits!"

Me: "Well, I need to get somewhere fast. & Everyone goes fast in the back road. That's why you take the back road!"

Mom: "Well, would you be speeding if Jesus were sitting in the passenger seat?!"

Me: (jokingly) "... Maybe we'd be having so much fun, He wouldn't even notice." 

Although I said it in jest, the truth is, that's where my problem was this week: God was in my passenger seat, watching as I sped through life in a blur to get where I wanted to go. And no, it wasn't fun. And I'm sure He noticed, just as much as He notices anything and everything that had, has, and ever will happen. However, that's precisely why I was so tired. I have to constantly remind myself to let God drive, and just sit in the passenger seat and enjoy the ride.

And yet He reveals himself sometimes in the simplest ways, to remind us that He is indeed there, waiting to be given back the wheel.

So I've been really excited, because every week, I've been teaching a worship dance to the song "I Will Worship" at the middle school where I help with the Bible Club. It has been such an amazing tool for ministry, as girls from all kinds of backgrounds have been participating and we were given the immense opportunity to present the worship dance to the entire school on Tuesday - which is quite a feat in itself, considering it is a public school and the ridiculously strict "separation of church and state" rules. And I was so touched by these girls, because they sacrifice every day of their lunch time to learn the dance, when they could easily be hanging out with friends or eating at the cafeteria. They have even been internalizing the words, as I hear them singing, "I will give You all my worship" even outside of practice! There is one particular girl who is known as a troublemaker, and the mere mention of her name makes teachers cringe. However, she openly said one day, "You know, I only go to school for practice." And my heart melted, as I saw a positive change in her.

So we were trying to figure out what "costume" the girls would wear, and most of the girls humbly admitted that they do not have very many clothes. I tried so badly to hide my sadness in front of them. It was then that I felt the Lord was prompting me to buy them matching t-shirts. I did want to bless them, because they had inspired and touched me so much, but at the same time I was trying to be realistic. "God, I'm only a student. I don't have a job. There are 18 of them in different sizes. I just don't have the money." Notice all the I's.  

While driving, my heart was burdened. I knew what I had to do, but I didn't know how I would do it. That morning at Bible Club, Rich shared about how with God, all things are possible. And that line kept resonating in my mind. I then recalled Pastor Gary's sermon that asked, "Do you live as though you have a BIG God?" And I wrestled with the thought all afternoon. 

And in an act that can only be explained through divine providence, I got a call from Bank of Guam telling me that I had won their commercial contest and the prize money was $500. I was absolutely in shock. I had done the commercial only because it was a required assignment for a class, and I didn't expect it at all to win, so much so that I actually deleted it from the computer. (If you saw how truly awful the commercial was, you'd KNOW it was only by God's miracle it won!) I couldn't help but sing, shout, and dance in utter praise and thanksgiving when I got home.

 There is no doubt in my mind that that money is to be used entirely and completely for what He was telling me to do: buy the girls shirts. I know He blessed me with it, so that I could bless the girls. Oh, where God guides, He truly provides! I was amazed at how God just completely lavishes His grace and provision when we are open to His purposes. He truly can do anything. And He WILL! I felt so sorry for doubting the greatness of my Lord, as I felt as though He was proving just how big He truly is. How often I forget that God has His hand in everything. And when He calls us to do something, we can have faith that He will provide a way - no matter how completely unexpected and despite how undeserving we are. And He does it all simply out of unconditional love.

So Praise God for His abounding grace! Praise God for His abundant provision! Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Picture update:

Ronny in High School Musical 2

We are all so proud of our boy!

I have been so blessed by the Young Adult Group and Bible Seminar at Jesus Baptist Church

Wonderful Apple!

Girls' night watching a black-and-white 1940s romantic comedy. :]

OYYA (Older Youth Young Adult) Group

Homemaking and cooking lessons with Auntie Gwen

Purple mouth picture for the hospital room of a little girl suffering from chemotherapy (Michelle's idea)

Additions to the Happy List:
- Whipped cream
- Veggie Tales' Silly Songs with Larry

Naive...

"Am I naive to want a remedy for every bitter heart?
Can I believe You hold an exclamation point for every question mark?
And can I leave the timing of this universe in bigger Hands?
And may I be so bold to ask You to please hurry?"

- "Naive" by Chris Rice

Often I just want to throw my hands up and say, "God, I really don't know." And as a human wanting certainty and control, I become frustrated that I don't know all the answers. But I think that's an important thing to acknowledge: I - imperfect, fallible, and prone to error - do not know it all. It is only when we seek our All-Knowing God that all will be revealed, but even then, it's in His time, not ours. But I think it's in this humbleness that we thirst for and seek our Father more, relying on Him, rather than our own limited wisdom. Faith kicks in. As we search for truth, it is important to constantly refer to The Truth revealed in God's word. We can think and ponder and speculate all we want, and end up with nothing. Why? Because God's wisdom is more profound and vast than anything we could ever imagine. And we must trust that ultimately, He knows what He's doing, even when I don't.

It makes me wonder about the futility of it all. In an eternal perspective, what will actually matter? As humans, do we complicate matters in a futile attempt to grasp it all? I often wondered what exactly I would ask God when I get to heaven. But then, I wonder, will it even matter? Will I even care? Or will I be too busy rejoicing in His presence?

All I can say is that I am thankful to be under the authority of our Savior, who I can rely on completely and utterly for the right answers and the best direction. Thankfully I have given my life to the Lord, whose wisdom and knowledge greatly surpasses our understanding. While I stumble in darkness, completely unaware of what's around or what lies ahead, thank God that He provides the guiding light.

"Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." Psalm 119:105

...I'm sorry this rambling sounds Ecclesiastes-like. Haha.

Happy List Additions:
- Midnight chats in church parking lots
- Divine Providence

The List

I did it. 

Last night, I sat down with my journal (and mom) and physically wrote out MY List. You know, girls. THE List of THE things you want/need in your "future husband". It seems pretty strange to dream and speculate about him, though. Being so young, I struggled with whether or not it was appropriate. For so long, I even thought I was never going to get married at all! 

One of the first things I ever learned when I was a toddler (and yes, we DO have this on video) was whenever my daddy would ask me, "What will daddy do if you get a boyfriend?" I would reply, "Kick me out of the house." At family parties or whenever we had company, my daddy would excitedly present this little dialogue to all the guests as entertainment, and they would laugh and laugh. I guess he never realized that I internalized this little joke as truth. Having always been "daddy's little princess," my daddy had always been protective - even greeting my prom date while cleaning his gun! Inevitably as a teenager, boys would come around with telephone calls, letters, valentines, etc., but my daddy always told me that although it was natural for boys to like me and even for me to like boys, having a formal, actual boyfriend was completely out of the question. All the while, I could not understand why my he commanded that I wait.

The pressure was always immense - beginning in middle school. At this time of out-of-control hormones, almost all my friends had gotten their first boyfriends. Typically, in our traditional Filipino culture, parents are extremely strict about boys, but my friends had theirs anyway. They would hide and sneak against their parents wishes, even encouraging me to do the same. Known as the nerdy "smart girl", physically gawky, and awkward, not having a boyfriend made me feel even more left out. One of my most hurtful experiences was when I was "asked out" by one of the cocky, popular bad boys. I said no. Rejection was something he wasn't used to, so he spread a rumor that I did so because I was a lesbian. I felt enraged, misunderstood, and was so tempted to find any boy and date him - just to prove him wrong! However, I ended up just letting it go, and the less I reacted, the less of an issue people made it. But nonetheless, I was scarred.

As I got older, I found out the more traditional rules of dating - or rather "not dating" - in Filipino culture. Typically, when a guy is interested in a girl, he stays around for a long time. At any inkling of interest, he basically meets and courts the entire family - buying them gifts, helping around the house, eating meals with them, and spending most of his time with the girl and her family. Family time replaces dates, and the title "special/best friend" replaces "boyfriend." However, because he is not technically "the boyfriend," it is possible for other guys to be coming around and doing the same. You can imagine how confusing that would get! Now that I think about it, the guy is at such a disadvantage, obligated to do so much and spend so much for a family he may not even end up being tied to. Probably the biggest example for me is my parents, who dated for seven years before they got married, never being able to spend any time alone. Their courtship was really sweet, though. 

As I got older, guys came around me and my family, but after immense prayer and strong convictions, the Lord revealed something to me. He said, "Not yet." And I had a hard time responding. I never realized how selfishly I had kept the romance aspect of my life away from God. I never really lifted my want of a "future husband" up to Him. I had always believed I would find him myself, or I would be the one to shape him myself. But the Lord revealed to me that I was going about it the wrong way, with the wrong attitude. Through my different experiences, I learned so very much, and more importantly, I realized how much more I myself need to learn, grow, and foster my divine relationship with my Father first. 

I love how Dr. Tony Evans puts it: God blesses each of us with our own garden - our own individual sphere that we ourselves are called to grow and cultivate. When it was just Adam, he rejoiced in the Garden of Eden, in close fellowship with God, growing and cultivating the garden. The Lord was all Adam needed. Then, when the Lord - not Adam - felt it was time, He created Eve. Basically, "Adam didn't go looking for someone God hadn't made yet." And isn't that the truth! In a society that stresses that you get married and settle down right away, it becomes so easy to do just that: settle. 

As I wrote out my list, I remembered that the most important thing was to dedicate The List to God. Sure, it's easy for young girls to dream of their prince charming, but what good is a prince charming, when he isn't following the King?

I was so scared that my list would be exhaustive - that I would be too specific and too picky,and  that it would be impossible to find someone who fulfilled every single one of the things I needed and wanted. However, when I actually got to it, I only had 10 descriptions. I hope that doesn't mean I have low standards! But I really want God to be creative and surprise me. To think, He has created a man just for me, and is currently growing and molding him, with all these intricate facets that will match me perfectly! At the same time, the Lord is growing, shaping, and making me into the woman that he deserves. I can't help but be excited! Just as my earthly father loves and is protective over me, even more so is my Heavenly Father, as He wants me to be patient until He brings me the One - my One - after God's own heart. 

It will be quite a while until I get married or settle down, and I know that I have tons time. However, I think I learned a valuable lesson that all young women should know and recognize: When looking for your prince charming, find one who loves God - even more than he loves you. One who has a calling from the Lord, and serves him with all his heart, mind, soul, body, and spirit. Though these princes are becoming more and more rare in today's society, they are definitely worth waiting for. I guess daddy was right after all.

"How beautiful the radiant bride, who waits for her groom, with His light in her eyes..."

- "How Beautiful" by Twila Paris

Daddy's Little Girl

Today's addition to the Happy List:
157. Trampoline at Pedros
158. The amazing community and fellowship within the Body of Christ (I really enjoyed attending Y.A.G tonight.)


Ronny grabbed my hand as we took a picture jumping on the trampoline at Pedros (my grandparents' house)...THEN...

While looking for a picture of me and my dad, I found a picture of Ronny and I jumping on a bed when we were little...holding hands. :P

Jesus freak

Ever had those moments where people give you that scrutinizing look that says "you are a freak"? Yeah, I have been on the receiving end of that look quite often this week. But somehow, I'm more proud than perturbed.

Apparently UOG is abuzz with "relationship fever". Couples are engaging in public displays of affection all over the place (Thank goodness none have found my spot!), students talk excitedly about the free flavored condoms passed out at the rotunda, and the English professors have even hopped on the bandwagon, assigning their students to conduct surveys regarding sexual activity and STDs. First, while in the bathroom, this girl asked me if I had a boyfriend. When I responded that I don't, and never had, she responded with the "freak" look and could not believe it: "What?! Why?! Never?! How?! Are you okay with that?!". I couldn't help but wonder why this person I barely know would take such an active interest in my love life - or lack thereof - and mind my business, when she was supposed to be doing her business. It was weird.

Next, I was given one of those surveys about sexual activity and STDs, and I had a difficult time answering. It's strange how random students feel comfortable handing it to you in the hallway and then unabashedly reading your answers once you hand it back to them. The first question was, "How many sexual partners have you had?" and I could not help but notice that "None" was not an option. When I asked about this, they gave me the "freak" look and said, "Oh, I don't know. No one else has asked that." I then proceeded to create my own option, and wrote in "N/A" for the rest of the questions.

Then, while walking to my spot, I was ambushed by a media crew, carrying one of those huge professional cameras to my face:

Girl: "Hi! Can I interview you about Blue Night?" (Note: Apparently, Blue Night is an all-out drinking party for all UOG students. It's at one of Guam's most popular night clubs, and I have heard it gets crazy.)

Me: "Oh, sorry, I don't know much about that..."

Girl: "Well! It's a good thing you ran into us then! This year's is at the Globe! It's going to be an awesome, huge parrrtaayyyy! So, you gonna go?"

Me: "Oh, uhm...I don't drink or go out. Heh."

Girl: "Well, you don't have to drink! Just come anyway for the party!"

Me: "Oh, I don't go to clubs. I've never been..."

(In an awkward pause, the entire crew gawks at me and gives me the "freak" look.)

Girl: "Woah! Why?!"

Me: "Uhm...my beliefs. But regardless, I hope you all have fun!"

Girl: "Oh, what's your name?" (and the cameraman has the camera pointed right at me)

Me: "Tabitha."

Girl: "Oh...I've heard of you...Okay, well thanks anyway. Bye!"

That last part got me worried. What DID she mean by that? Is it a known fact that I'm a freak? I went to my spot and contemplated as I watched the waves crash against the rocks and enjoyed my raisin bagel with cream cheese in peaceful solitude. 

Now, I've never been a Jamie Sullivan (Walk to Remember), but I never thought abstaining from those things was rare or different at all. I'm sure there must be others like me, who maybe just aren't as open in saying that they don't do those things. It saddened me to think that drinking, partying, and sex are commonly considered rites of passage in college life. However, I also don't want to ever give off  a holier-than-thou kind of vibe. It's difficult to be surrounded by those things, and not become numb to them. I've been around others while they drank and many of my friends are open about their active bedroom activities, but despite the exposure, I never really had the urge to conform. I also don't see it necessary to condemn them and start preaching up in their face. I trust that God will provide the right time and right situation to share. More and more, I'm learning what it means to be in, but not of the world (John 17), and sometimes just peacefully and openly abstaining can speak volumes more than scolding them about their lifestyles.

 I just pray that by simply living for Him, I can show others that having God in your life provides an even greater emotional high than alcohol ever could, how refreshing it is to be intoxicated with His presence and never have to fear a painful hangover, how being with Him in heaven one day will be THE biggest "parrrtaay" in all eternity, and how God's everlasting love is infinitely greater than anything you'll ever experience from anyone else. If that makes me a freak, then I guess I am. A Jesus freak. :]

Today's addition to the Happy List:

157. Cream cheese

158. My new baking pan engraved with the words "Homemade by: Tabitha Espina"

HIIIYYAAAA!!

I am having WAY too much fun with these kung fu-looking pants my grandma gave me for my birthday. I tied my hair up in a bun and have found a fake ninja sword to wield. I must say, it's pret-ty sweet!



Speaking of birthday, I celebrated it for the fourth time last night, this time with my mom's side of the family. It was...interesting, emotional, and sometimes awkward. I broke the news about my change of major. Let's just say that I never thought I would hear my grandpa and uncle tell me that I "intimidate" them. I honestly don't mean to, but I just get so passionate. Plus, I had to speak loudly enough for Grandpa's hearing aide.
But overall, I feel so blessed to have a family of Christian believers, who are so encouraging in my walk with the Lord. The night could have gone much worse.

Oh, and after watching Anne of Green Gables after several years, I had forgotten how much I love it. I see myself a lot in Anne's passionate, impulsive, literature-loving, and imaginative spirit. Hey! Maybe then I'll end up with someone like Gilbert Blythe, too. :] One can only dream...



Today's Addition to the Happy List:
155. My kung-fu pants
156. Anne of Green Gables