Naive...

"Am I naive to want a remedy for every bitter heart?
Can I believe You hold an exclamation point for every question mark?
And can I leave the timing of this universe in bigger Hands?
And may I be so bold to ask You to please hurry?"

- "Naive" by Chris Rice

Often I just want to throw my hands up and say, "God, I really don't know." And as a human wanting certainty and control, I become frustrated that I don't know all the answers. But I think that's an important thing to acknowledge: I - imperfect, fallible, and prone to error - do not know it all. It is only when we seek our All-Knowing God that all will be revealed, but even then, it's in His time, not ours. But I think it's in this humbleness that we thirst for and seek our Father more, relying on Him, rather than our own limited wisdom. Faith kicks in. As we search for truth, it is important to constantly refer to The Truth revealed in God's word. We can think and ponder and speculate all we want, and end up with nothing. Why? Because God's wisdom is more profound and vast than anything we could ever imagine. And we must trust that ultimately, He knows what He's doing, even when I don't.

It makes me wonder about the futility of it all. In an eternal perspective, what will actually matter? As humans, do we complicate matters in a futile attempt to grasp it all? I often wondered what exactly I would ask God when I get to heaven. But then, I wonder, will it even matter? Will I even care? Or will I be too busy rejoicing in His presence?

All I can say is that I am thankful to be under the authority of our Savior, who I can rely on completely and utterly for the right answers and the best direction. Thankfully I have given my life to the Lord, whose wisdom and knowledge greatly surpasses our understanding. While I stumble in darkness, completely unaware of what's around or what lies ahead, thank God that He provides the guiding light.

"Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." Psalm 119:105

...I'm sorry this rambling sounds Ecclesiastes-like. Haha.

Happy List Additions:
- Midnight chats in church parking lots
- Divine Providence

The List

I did it. 

Last night, I sat down with my journal (and mom) and physically wrote out MY List. You know, girls. THE List of THE things you want/need in your "future husband". It seems pretty strange to dream and speculate about him, though. Being so young, I struggled with whether or not it was appropriate. For so long, I even thought I was never going to get married at all! 

One of the first things I ever learned when I was a toddler (and yes, we DO have this on video) was whenever my daddy would ask me, "What will daddy do if you get a boyfriend?" I would reply, "Kick me out of the house." At family parties or whenever we had company, my daddy would excitedly present this little dialogue to all the guests as entertainment, and they would laugh and laugh. I guess he never realized that I internalized this little joke as truth. Having always been "daddy's little princess," my daddy had always been protective - even greeting my prom date while cleaning his gun! Inevitably as a teenager, boys would come around with telephone calls, letters, valentines, etc., but my daddy always told me that although it was natural for boys to like me and even for me to like boys, having a formal, actual boyfriend was completely out of the question. All the while, I could not understand why my he commanded that I wait.

The pressure was always immense - beginning in middle school. At this time of out-of-control hormones, almost all my friends had gotten their first boyfriends. Typically, in our traditional Filipino culture, parents are extremely strict about boys, but my friends had theirs anyway. They would hide and sneak against their parents wishes, even encouraging me to do the same. Known as the nerdy "smart girl", physically gawky, and awkward, not having a boyfriend made me feel even more left out. One of my most hurtful experiences was when I was "asked out" by one of the cocky, popular bad boys. I said no. Rejection was something he wasn't used to, so he spread a rumor that I did so because I was a lesbian. I felt enraged, misunderstood, and was so tempted to find any boy and date him - just to prove him wrong! However, I ended up just letting it go, and the less I reacted, the less of an issue people made it. But nonetheless, I was scarred.

As I got older, I found out the more traditional rules of dating - or rather "not dating" - in Filipino culture. Typically, when a guy is interested in a girl, he stays around for a long time. At any inkling of interest, he basically meets and courts the entire family - buying them gifts, helping around the house, eating meals with them, and spending most of his time with the girl and her family. Family time replaces dates, and the title "special/best friend" replaces "boyfriend." However, because he is not technically "the boyfriend," it is possible for other guys to be coming around and doing the same. You can imagine how confusing that would get! Now that I think about it, the guy is at such a disadvantage, obligated to do so much and spend so much for a family he may not even end up being tied to. Probably the biggest example for me is my parents, who dated for seven years before they got married, never being able to spend any time alone. Their courtship was really sweet, though. 

As I got older, guys came around me and my family, but after immense prayer and strong convictions, the Lord revealed something to me. He said, "Not yet." And I had a hard time responding. I never realized how selfishly I had kept the romance aspect of my life away from God. I never really lifted my want of a "future husband" up to Him. I had always believed I would find him myself, or I would be the one to shape him myself. But the Lord revealed to me that I was going about it the wrong way, with the wrong attitude. Through my different experiences, I learned so very much, and more importantly, I realized how much more I myself need to learn, grow, and foster my divine relationship with my Father first. 

I love how Dr. Tony Evans puts it: God blesses each of us with our own garden - our own individual sphere that we ourselves are called to grow and cultivate. When it was just Adam, he rejoiced in the Garden of Eden, in close fellowship with God, growing and cultivating the garden. The Lord was all Adam needed. Then, when the Lord - not Adam - felt it was time, He created Eve. Basically, "Adam didn't go looking for someone God hadn't made yet." And isn't that the truth! In a society that stresses that you get married and settle down right away, it becomes so easy to do just that: settle. 

As I wrote out my list, I remembered that the most important thing was to dedicate The List to God. Sure, it's easy for young girls to dream of their prince charming, but what good is a prince charming, when he isn't following the King?

I was so scared that my list would be exhaustive - that I would be too specific and too picky,and  that it would be impossible to find someone who fulfilled every single one of the things I needed and wanted. However, when I actually got to it, I only had 10 descriptions. I hope that doesn't mean I have low standards! But I really want God to be creative and surprise me. To think, He has created a man just for me, and is currently growing and molding him, with all these intricate facets that will match me perfectly! At the same time, the Lord is growing, shaping, and making me into the woman that he deserves. I can't help but be excited! Just as my earthly father loves and is protective over me, even more so is my Heavenly Father, as He wants me to be patient until He brings me the One - my One - after God's own heart. 

It will be quite a while until I get married or settle down, and I know that I have tons time. However, I think I learned a valuable lesson that all young women should know and recognize: When looking for your prince charming, find one who loves God - even more than he loves you. One who has a calling from the Lord, and serves him with all his heart, mind, soul, body, and spirit. Though these princes are becoming more and more rare in today's society, they are definitely worth waiting for. I guess daddy was right after all.

"How beautiful the radiant bride, who waits for her groom, with His light in her eyes..."

- "How Beautiful" by Twila Paris

Daddy's Little Girl

Today's addition to the Happy List:
157. Trampoline at Pedros
158. The amazing community and fellowship within the Body of Christ (I really enjoyed attending Y.A.G tonight.)


Ronny grabbed my hand as we took a picture jumping on the trampoline at Pedros (my grandparents' house)...THEN...

While looking for a picture of me and my dad, I found a picture of Ronny and I jumping on a bed when we were little...holding hands. :P

Jesus freak

Ever had those moments where people give you that scrutinizing look that says "you are a freak"? Yeah, I have been on the receiving end of that look quite often this week. But somehow, I'm more proud than perturbed.

Apparently UOG is abuzz with "relationship fever". Couples are engaging in public displays of affection all over the place (Thank goodness none have found my spot!), students talk excitedly about the free flavored condoms passed out at the rotunda, and the English professors have even hopped on the bandwagon, assigning their students to conduct surveys regarding sexual activity and STDs. First, while in the bathroom, this girl asked me if I had a boyfriend. When I responded that I don't, and never had, she responded with the "freak" look and could not believe it: "What?! Why?! Never?! How?! Are you okay with that?!". I couldn't help but wonder why this person I barely know would take such an active interest in my love life - or lack thereof - and mind my business, when she was supposed to be doing her business. It was weird.

Next, I was given one of those surveys about sexual activity and STDs, and I had a difficult time answering. It's strange how random students feel comfortable handing it to you in the hallway and then unabashedly reading your answers once you hand it back to them. The first question was, "How many sexual partners have you had?" and I could not help but notice that "None" was not an option. When I asked about this, they gave me the "freak" look and said, "Oh, I don't know. No one else has asked that." I then proceeded to create my own option, and wrote in "N/A" for the rest of the questions.

Then, while walking to my spot, I was ambushed by a media crew, carrying one of those huge professional cameras to my face:

Girl: "Hi! Can I interview you about Blue Night?" (Note: Apparently, Blue Night is an all-out drinking party for all UOG students. It's at one of Guam's most popular night clubs, and I have heard it gets crazy.)

Me: "Oh, sorry, I don't know much about that..."

Girl: "Well! It's a good thing you ran into us then! This year's is at the Globe! It's going to be an awesome, huge parrrtaayyyy! So, you gonna go?"

Me: "Oh, uhm...I don't drink or go out. Heh."

Girl: "Well, you don't have to drink! Just come anyway for the party!"

Me: "Oh, I don't go to clubs. I've never been..."

(In an awkward pause, the entire crew gawks at me and gives me the "freak" look.)

Girl: "Woah! Why?!"

Me: "Uhm...my beliefs. But regardless, I hope you all have fun!"

Girl: "Oh, what's your name?" (and the cameraman has the camera pointed right at me)

Me: "Tabitha."

Girl: "Oh...I've heard of you...Okay, well thanks anyway. Bye!"

That last part got me worried. What DID she mean by that? Is it a known fact that I'm a freak? I went to my spot and contemplated as I watched the waves crash against the rocks and enjoyed my raisin bagel with cream cheese in peaceful solitude. 

Now, I've never been a Jamie Sullivan (Walk to Remember), but I never thought abstaining from those things was rare or different at all. I'm sure there must be others like me, who maybe just aren't as open in saying that they don't do those things. It saddened me to think that drinking, partying, and sex are commonly considered rites of passage in college life. However, I also don't want to ever give off  a holier-than-thou kind of vibe. It's difficult to be surrounded by those things, and not become numb to them. I've been around others while they drank and many of my friends are open about their active bedroom activities, but despite the exposure, I never really had the urge to conform. I also don't see it necessary to condemn them and start preaching up in their face. I trust that God will provide the right time and right situation to share. More and more, I'm learning what it means to be in, but not of the world (John 17), and sometimes just peacefully and openly abstaining can speak volumes more than scolding them about their lifestyles.

 I just pray that by simply living for Him, I can show others that having God in your life provides an even greater emotional high than alcohol ever could, how refreshing it is to be intoxicated with His presence and never have to fear a painful hangover, how being with Him in heaven one day will be THE biggest "parrrtaay" in all eternity, and how God's everlasting love is infinitely greater than anything you'll ever experience from anyone else. If that makes me a freak, then I guess I am. A Jesus freak. :]

Today's addition to the Happy List:

157. Cream cheese

158. My new baking pan engraved with the words "Homemade by: Tabitha Espina"

HIIIYYAAAA!!

I am having WAY too much fun with these kung fu-looking pants my grandma gave me for my birthday. I tied my hair up in a bun and have found a fake ninja sword to wield. I must say, it's pret-ty sweet!



Speaking of birthday, I celebrated it for the fourth time last night, this time with my mom's side of the family. It was...interesting, emotional, and sometimes awkward. I broke the news about my change of major. Let's just say that I never thought I would hear my grandpa and uncle tell me that I "intimidate" them. I honestly don't mean to, but I just get so passionate. Plus, I had to speak loudly enough for Grandpa's hearing aide.
But overall, I feel so blessed to have a family of Christian believers, who are so encouraging in my walk with the Lord. The night could have gone much worse.

Oh, and after watching Anne of Green Gables after several years, I had forgotten how much I love it. I see myself a lot in Anne's passionate, impulsive, literature-loving, and imaginative spirit. Hey! Maybe then I'll end up with someone like Gilbert Blythe, too. :] One can only dream...



Today's Addition to the Happy List:
155. My kung-fu pants
156. Anne of Green Gables