Feeling sunny...

So yesterday I was actually able to sleep-in on my Friday. Although I usually jump at the chance to get more rest, I found myself feeling sad that Bible Club was postponed for the day. I've been spending my Friday mornings at Bible Club at a local middle school, and it's truly something I look forward to. You know it's only by miracle when a room is wall-to-wall full of rebellious middle schoolers with raging hormones, who are actually quiet, attentively listening, and worshipping the Lord early in the morning before school. These kids are hungry and thirsting to know who God is, and that in itself has been so encouraging to me. So often I become complacent in my faith, believing that I know all that I need to. However, seeing these kids' yearning is teaching me more and more about truly seeking Him. I am reminded of Matthew 19:14 (NLT): "But Jesus said, 'Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children.'" That's what I need: to come to the Father in meekness and sincerity, with a childlike yearning for more - more of His teaching, more of His character, and just more of His presence.

God surely knows how selfish I was being. When the opportunity arose for me to help with the Club, I was indignant. I reasoned, "No! Fridays are MY day off! My only day to sleep-in! No! I use Fridays for homework catch-up. Plus, I can't stand middle school!" Gosh, just typing it makes me ashamed. After months of rebellion, I finally went, and it felt like a big slap to my selfishness and (no surprise here) my pride. I was thinking myself so righteous, "sacrificing" my time to be there to "teach" them, but if anything, I feel as though the Lord brought me in to actually learn from them. By waiting so long, the only thing I sacrificed was an opportunity to grow more in my faith.

Despite not having Bible Club that morning, I still was blessed with a wonderful day, spent with my brother. Despite being younger than me and having a polar-opposite personality, we get along exceedingly well. I often refer to him as my balance. While I am impulsive, passionate, and intense, he is pensive, logical, witty, and calm. His wisdom often astounds me, as he tells me just what I needed to hear - even when I'd rather not hear it. I admire him so much, and sometimes I feel like a dork, being the older sibling and yet wanting so badly to spend time with my younger brother! But he is amazing. I love driving with him, listening to music, and sharing with him, as we both open up completely about what is going on in our lives - a rare occurrence, I think, for teenage siblings. I love how God is often the main (if not only) topic of conversation. While eating lunch, he asked to pray for me! Can you believe that?! Honestly, it was one of the kindest, most sincere, most loving prayers I have ever had over me. I will never forget it. It must have been a strange sight: two teenagers, hugging in the corner of Pojos restaurant, gasping, weeping, and praying. But my brother has such a great way of bringing back the humor. While walking back to my car, he smiled, wiped the tears from his eyes, and said, "Agh! I hate crying." Love love love love love him. He is going to make a fantastic husband one day - but I cannot help but feel sorry for the girl who has to feel the wrath of an extremely over-protective big sister.

& As if I wasn't having a good enough day, Michelle, Abby, and I decide to have yet another Girls' Night, which turned into an unintentional sleep over. I love our Girls' Nights! They always end with me feeling joyful, encouraged, and renewed. They both are such godly young women, who just overflow with Christ's love, and whose lives are a living testament of the amazing things the Lord can do with a life that's given to Him. They both continue to be such encouragements to me. 

One of the things I enjoy most about our Girls' Nights is the wholesome, good fun. We watched a romantic movie (which was "endearing creepy" - like Michelle), attempted to put together a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle (with the most dedicated being Abby), did some Bible trivia, ate tons of snacks (chocolate, nachos, chips, ice cream, and Abby's yummy Taco Popcorn), watched Christian comedians and practical jokes on Youtube, stayed up having one of those intense, heartfelt, midnight girl talks (with Michelle falling asleep at midnight and only contributing "zzzZZZZ..." to the conversation), and Abby and I fell asleep on the couch watching Anne of Green Gables until 3 or 4 am. It was wonderful waking up in the company of friends - especially when no one had anticipated it. *cough* Michelle *cough*

<

Between classes with Ronalyne...



Creeping Craig...


OYYA Bible Study...See the hateful looks they reserve for innocent, little me? When Abby said she had really good news, I merely tried to capture the moment. & THIS is what I got...

Despite the rain pouring heavily outside, my heart feels sunny and light. :] Praise God!

Today's addition to the Happy List:
154. Waking up with friends

Love?

Today, I feel as though I might have bitten off more than I can chew. I need time to just...digest. 

I am home from yet another fantastic Wednesday Night Bible Study, and I am just in AWE of God's goodness, grace, and involvement in my life. I don't deserve it. The topic was "How do you know God is speaking to you?" and just look at my previous blog! Again, not arbitrary. Then, we began talking about finding your place within the church, and I have been praying for one of my friends, who is seeking direction on which church to attend and where God could use her best. I know the Lord will speak to her. 

But then, the Lord continued to show me just how much He cares. Tonight, my macho-man dad was brought to tears - and it takes a lot to bring my dad to tears. He admitted that he has been wrestling with my revelation of becoming a schoolteacher. Initially, he was not supportive at all, and a rift had formed between he and I since I broke the news to him. His words stung me and hurt me more than I can describe, especially since I have always been "Daddy's girl". He was angry, upset, and worried that I would "struggle financially" like he and my mom do on their teacher salaries. However, he said that the Lord convicted him of his pride, as well. He said that through this, he has learned to trust the Lord more, especially in provision and guidance. He ended by saying, "My wife reminded me that the kids are not ours. They're God's. And they are walking in Him and trusting Him, so I should trust too that God will take care of them. If they're following the Lord, I can't say anything." I could not believe what I was hearing! I had been praying that God would change my dad's heart, but I had not expected it to be that fast! Oh Lord, you amaze me. 

Okay, so I know I always jokingly refer to it as my "hippie class," but I sincerely do enjoy PY100 Personal Adjustment. I feel like I learn so much. For our first project, we were supposed to give up something or change something about ourselves for one week, in an attempt at self-improvement. People had some really intense topics! Some gave up various drugs, alcohol, severe coffee addictions, and staying out all night in bars and clubs. I have never thought of myself as sheltered, but I could not help but be shocked by some of my peer's lifestyles! Some of them were so heartfelt in their yearning for change, tears formed in my eyes as I listened. I wish I could say my topic was bold and inspirational, but it wasn't. I simply gave up staying up late, reporting on my attempts to sleep before 12am every night for one week. (Lame, I know.) 

But today we embarked on a new topic - one which I am quite oblivious about: LOVE. Having never had a boyfriend, I cannot say I am fully accustomed to normal teenage dating rituals. The topic enthralled me completely, as I love hearing other people's experiences, funny boyfriend/girlfriend stories, and my peers' general idea of what love is. Yet, the highlight for me is quite surprising, and even now I'm not completely sure what to think of it.

There he sat: brown, built, wearing a shirt that said "Chamorro Supremacy" and one of those expensive, authentic ancient Chamorro chief necklaces. The question posed to him was, "How do you show the people you love that you love them?" He answered something like, "Well, I tell them at least once a day that I love them and I also show them through actions, like helping and caring for them. I also love to cuddle. I also make sure to thank them, at least once a day, for being in my life." Of course, this made all the girls "Ooh" and "Aww" and even made some exclaim, "Your girlfriend is so lucky!" and "Do you have a brother?" Then, he continued, "And I don't know if everyone will agree with me, but there's also God's love. I believe you can see God in everyone, and by loving others, you love God." 

As the professor attempted to change the subject, the guy slowly raised his hand and in a voice as low as a whisper, he added, "Oh, and one more thing. I'm gay."

The class immediately became quiet. The professor thanked him for being open, but it did not deter from the fact that the class had grown uncomfortably awkward. At first, I was unsure what to think. Here I was, overjoyed that someone had brought God into our class conversation about love, but with that one confession, my view of my classmate had completely changed. I know that one of the biggest, most controversial issues in the Christian community today is whether or not to allow open homosexuals into church congregations. However, I found myself ashamed for quickly judging my classmate. Here he was, obviously loving the Lord enough to bring Him up in regular conversation, and yet why did we feel as though his words hold less weight, just because of his sexual orientation? Can a murderer not say and mean that he loves the Lord? How about a liar? An adulterer? Yes, we have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God, but yet why do we hold some people's sin against them, and continue to condemn them, knowing that we too have done things that do not please God? I know that many people say that such a lifestyle is an abomination to God, but I cannot help but remember that God loves each and every one of us, right where we're at, even in our faults, doubts, weaknesses, and sin. Although I don't condone his lifestyle at all, I understand also that I do not have the authority to judge and condemn him. If he continues to walk in the Lord, I pray he will be convicted to repent and turn from his ways. However, I truly feel it is not my place to judge whether or not his relationship with the Lord is sincere. Only God sees his heart. God is the righteous, all-knowing judge - not me. And although I may not approve of his sexual preference, I have no right or reason to dislike him. I always found it amazing that although God abhors sin, He still loves the sinner. These lyrics continually resounded in my head all day: "Words of compassion will cause a reaction when love draws them near..." I truly believe that the biggest mark of a Christian is Christlike love - one which is sincere, non-judgmental, bountiful, and embracing.

 This topic is still very new to me, and I cannot say I have looked it up extensively in scripture. However, here is a brief excerpt from the end of Francis A. Schaeffer's "The Mark of the Christian":

"A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another. By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love on another. (John 13:34-35) 

That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe thou hast sent me. (John 17:21) 

What then shall we conclude but that as the Samaritan loved the wounded man, we as Christians are called upon to love all men as neighbors, loving them as ourselves. Second, that we are to love all true Christian brothers in a way that they world may observe. This means showing love to our brothers in the midst of our differences - great or small - loving our brothers when it costs us something, loving them even under times of tremendous emotional tension, loving them in a way the world can see... Love - and the unity it attests to - is the mark Christ gave Christians to wear before the world. Only with this mark may the world know that Christians are indeed Christians and that Jesus was sent by the Father...All men bear the image of God. They have value, not because they are redeemed, but  because they are God's creation in God's image."

I look forward to hearing your thoughts... 

My day...

Daddy packed me this delicious beef stew!! Mmm....



So one of the coconut trees at "my spot" is bent in such a way that it creates the perfect little "seat"


Meeting Michelle at a cool little coffee shop 2 minutes from campus. Great blended drinks and even better conversation...

Today's addition to the Happy List:
153. Mom's and Dad's hilarious teacher stories

"Beautiful is the One who is speaking to me..."

Although I love having an additional way of correspondence with Michelle, Lizl, Abby, and all the others here on Blogger, my main intention of creating this blog is to share all that I've gone through and am currently going through, in hopes it will be an encouragement to those who read it. It has been quite a year, so far. Big changes. Big revelations. But I feel stronger for them - especially in regard to my walk with the Lord. I have never before felt such closeness to Him, despite considering myself a Christian for what seems like my entire life. It's strange, yet exhilarating. I won't lie, I often find myself spiritually and emotionally exhausted, as I feel  the Lord constantly stretching and tugging on my heartstrings. However, I know that He is growing me, molding me, shaping me, and preparing me for His purposes - a cause for which I can't help but be excited! Hence, this is "My Genesis" - the origin of my formation into something. Though I may not know the exact outcome, I trust God with this process.

I've been putting this off for quite a while, because I honestly don't know where to start. Again, since I'm playing catch-up, I warn you readers, this WILL be long. I guess I'll start with my "Major Change". Literally. I'm changing my college major. I have been sharing my testimony in various ways, and each time has given me renewed strength. The first was with my Auntie and Uncle, who are both C.P.A's and were trying to help me get another scholarship with the Association of Government Accountants. I then had to humbly reply that I was no longer pursuing my original "Business Administration with a Concentration in Accounting" degree. I was shaking with nervousness while typing out the e-mail, but their response was phenomenally supportive. My Auntie said that it spoke personally to her about her faith, and my Uncle was so excited, he immediately brought up a missions teaching opportunity! Amazing how God opens doors and opens hearts.

Next, I shared my testimony with our Wednesday Night Bible Study, and Pastor Gary not only offered yet another missions opportunity, but also wants to get it published! God just keeps finding the most creative ways to reaffirm that I'm where He wants me. Before Bible Study, Jesse felt the Lord placing the hymn "I Surrender All" on his heart. Although he didn't know why, he got the CD, printed the lyrics, and wanted to share it before the study ended. However, after I shared my testimony, speaking constantly about surrender, it all became clear why he was supposed to share that particular song. God is good.

Then, Laura from YWAM asked me to share it at their farewell/youth event at Zion church. I was incredibly late, but the Lord made a way. I was probably the most nervous I have ever been in my life (and I usually jump at the chance for public speaking!), but I kept praying that it would be the Lord's words - not mine - and that He would speak through me. I guess people heard Him, because they responded encouragingly, as well.

Then, I shared it at church. I'll be posting the video here at the end of this blog, actually, in case anyone is bored enough to watch the entire ten minutes. Hah! But Pastor Gary said people who were visiting church for the first time were so touched that they want to come back! I also had numerous members passionately and tearfully come up to me, telling me they were encouraged. That really meant the world to me, especially since I have also experienced some hurtful criticism from people whose words mean a lot to me. I have to constantly and fervently pray to God for strength, as the opposition has become quite overwhelming.

My entire testimony and epiphany, if you will, is actually quite long and is the culmination of a series of intensely humbling experiences. Honestly, when I was little, I had always thought I was going to be a teacher, but simply put, my pride got in my way. I have often been deemed an "overachiever," allowing others and myself to develop ridiculously high expectations for me. I would drive myself crazy trying to live up to everything everyone wanted me to be, and chastise myself every time I believed I had fallen short. For so long, I thrived on their approval and acceptance, but now, I realize that the only One I was made to please is God. I now realize how futile it is to try to please the world.

As any other day, I pulled into The School of Business an hour early to attempt to get some work done before my first class. However, I felt the Lord calling me to be still within my car and just rest in His presence. I did so, and it was then that He spoke to me and convicted me. I imagined myself before Him, as He asked me about what I did throughout my life with the gifts and talents He blessed me with. I struggled with an answer. I had to admit to myself that in the place I was at, He probably would not say to me, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." It struck me quite the blow, considering how passionately I believe that my life's purpose is to serve God utterly and completely with my entire being. I obviously wasn't doing that. I constantly prayed for the Lord's direction, and would become frustrated when I felt like I wasn't "hearing" from Him. However, it wasn't that He wasn't speaking. I just refused to listen.

I realized that I was selfishly clinging to my future and trying to "play God" by deciding how and where I would serve Him, instead of completely surrendering to His righteous and perfect plan. I came to the realization that when we give our lives to God, He wants all of it: heart, mind, soul - past, present, and future. When I fully evaluated why exactly I was majoring in BA Accounting, the reasons scared me. If I put aside pride, others' expectations, and my lack of faith that God will provide enough for me, I really had no good reason.

I struggled with the thought all day, and when I came home, I tearfully talked to my mom. Her wisdom always astounds me. I had talked to her previously before about becoming a teacher, and despite her encouragement, I continued to ignore God's whispers and continued to go about my own way. When I told her that I was finally ready and convicted that I was born to be a teacher, she cried. She said that she always knew it and the thought of me being an accountant has been unsettled on her heart, as she had been continually praying for me. When I mentioned changing my major to various teachers and professors, they all told me that they had known it all along and that English and teaching are my "God-given gifts" - in that exact terminology! I know that isn't arbitrary.

However, I did not want to make a rash decision, and all week, I prayed for God's reaffirmation. In addition to various radio sermons and worship songs that seemed to speak personally to me, the biggest reaffirmation came from a source that was most unexpected: my Intro to Government Regulations professor. I tell the story vividly in my video (like my subtle attempt to get you to watch it?), but in that one humbling experience, the Lord used him to tell me to "get out" - out of my pride, out of my selfishness, out of the mold of the world's expectations, out of the School of Business, and essentially back into His arms. In my stubbornness, I had refused to listen to His whispers. So, the Lord called me out - with a call that was so big and so loud, that I could not deny it attention. Thank God for his divine intervention!

So, in essence, I am changing my major to Elementary Education. I'm also praying that I am able to double major in English, with a Literature emphasis. However, I'm leaving it all in His most capable Hands. I can't even begin to describe my excitement in finding out how the Lord will use me in this field. If I had known the peace and sheer joy that comes from surrender and obedience to Him, I honestly would have done it a long time ago.

Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"  

Romans 8:28 "And we know that all things work together for good to those that love God, to those who are called according to His purpose."

1 Corinthians 10:31 "Whether therefore ye eat, or drink, or whatsoever ye do, do all to the glory of God."

"So take my heart, and form it. Take my mind, transform it. Take my will, conform it. To Yours, to Yours, oh Lord..."

**Today's additions to my happy list: 

151. My spot on campus under the coconut tree, with a cliffside view of the ocean and the lush hills of Mangilao

152. Bake Sales

The Happy List

So Michelle has been urging me to make a blog, and for so long I have been hesitant. I don't know. I just don't think my life is that interesting enough to write continuously about. However, this idea provided just the right opportunity! I admit, though, I can't take full credit. Gaining inspiration from Ronny's book "14,000 Things to Be Happy About" by B. Kipfer, I've decided to make my own "Happy List"! Amazing how much you can learn about a person, just by reading about what makes them happy. I understand that not everything will make sense to everyone, but I'm hoping my friends will learn more about me, and as I look through the list later in life, I'll probably be able to learn more about myself - being able to see my growth and hopefully remembering what happened and how I felt when I wrote something. Each one tells a story. 

I am SO EXCITED! Oh, and also, I'm going to try to end every blog entry with at least one new addition to the list. That way, I'll try to find at least one thing to be happy about every day (that I blog)! & The BEST part is: if I ever need a pick-me-up, I'll simply peruse through my list to put a smile on my face, and hopefully on others' as well. :) HERE GOES!!!!!! (Once I got started I couldn't stop. So I warn you, this WILL be long. Two of my pens ran out of ink before I finished in my journal.)

WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY:

1. My source of utmost joy is simply Him. I love you, Lord. <3

2. Good ideas - like this

3. Lone drives on sunny days with the windows down, sunroof open, hair blowing in the wind, and singing at the top of my lungs to just the right worship song blasting through the stereo

4. Songs that speak personally to me

5. Days to contemplate

6. Stream-of-consciousness writing

7. Literature that touches your soul, as your heart rises and falls with the undulations of the unfolding plot

8. Friday morning Bible Club at F.B. Middle School

9. That tiny old man who wears rubber rain boots and sells newspapers by the road (His smile gets me EVERY time.)

10. My brother Ronny's wise, hilarious insight (e.g. "Well, if we got it right all the time, we'd be Jesus.")

11. Perpetual summertime on Guam

12. Quiet afternoons on the couch, under my favorite knit blanket with a good book

13. Rainy nights with hot chocolate

14. Books with personality: frayed edges, food-stained pages, crumbs within the spine, highlighted, underlined, and messy scrawl in the margins

15. The crisp pages and smell of a new book

16. CLEAN bare feet 

17. Divine revelations

18. Church - my happy place

19. Sunday morning worship

20. Good, powerful radio sermons

21. Song inspiration

22. The Brady Bunch

23. Night drives with good friends, good conversation, and good music

24. Driving all day and the gas gauge has barely moved

25. Having a camera when you need it

26. Heartfelt hugs

27. The feel and smell of Mom's skin

28. Random hugs from Ronny to "Tabba"

29. Kisses on my head from Daddy as he says, "Love you, baby girl."

30. When my parents call each other "sweetheart"

31. Quality family time

32. Sunday afternoons with no homework

33. No homework. Period.

34. Girl time

35. When God brings just the right people into your life, right when you need them the most

36. The peacefulness of Cecile and Craig's living room

37. Reminders of God's love

38. People who shine with God's love

39. A plethora of pens

40. Inspiring testimonies

41. Finding just the right scripture

42. Leaving messages on Michelle's voicemail before my first morning class

43. The fact that Abby's always ready for spur-of-the-moment "plans"

44. The mutual understanding known as "Guam Time"

45. Cecile's tiramisu and afternoon talks after an exhausting day

46. The sound of mom's voice and piano resonating throughout the house as she prepares her worship lineup

47. Finding the right words to say

48. Billy's silent laugh that makes him cough and eyes bulge

49. Island hospitality

50. Cars that signal

51. When people wave after you've allowed them to change into your lane

52. Scaring Craig

53. FACEBOOK

54. Looking through old pictures

55. Non-awkward telephone conversations

56. Listening to Ronny practice in his room

57. Starry nights

58. Bubbly shakes on a hot day

59. Walking to class and seeing the ocean view

60. The fact that nothing is arbitrary

61. Reminders of God's personal involvement in my life

62. Quiet time

63. 80's music

64. Snow cones during the Liberation Day parade

65. Handmade/hand-written cards

66. Having a good song stuck in your head

67. Literature class

68. The smell of Daddy's cooking when I wake up

69. My lunch pail packed by Daddy (even when I'm in college)

70. Life's soundtrack

71. Acts 9 - my namesake

72. The names "Noah" and "Esther Rose"

73. Little children smiling and excitedly yelling my name

74. Group hugs

75. The thought of teaching elementary school

76. Tearful talks on the bed with Mom

77. Sneaking out onto the roof to watch the stars and wait for sunrise

78. The thought of seeing real snow one day

79. Someone saying, "I was thinking of you today."

80. Wednesday night Bible study with some of the most godly people I know

81. Being called a "nerd"

82. The prevention of a potentially humiliating experience

83. Going around the island

84. Lunch with friends

85. Hair falling onto my face in just the right place

86. Knowing that God provides

87. Falling asleep in a pile of unfolded laundry fresh out of the dryer

88. My personal library cubicle

89. When people say my car is clean (albeit rare)

90. "When I talk to Tabby, I feel like I'm reading a novel." - Richard

91. My obsession with pneumonic devices

92. Playing with my hair

93. Nights at the YWAM base

94. Surprise parties

95. The pile of typed, completed paperwork that I measure between my fingers

96. Joy William's voice

97. Blistex

98. Knowing I'm never alone

99. Mom greeting me at the back door when I get home

100. Our first attempt at a family photo shoot (I'm laughing out loud)

101. Catching embarrassing moments on camera

102. Messages from friends

103. Corny Caser Family gatherings, complete with songs by the piano and color-coordinating outfits

104. The availability of rice

105. "Walks along the beach"

106. Flowers on Valentine's Day

107. Balloons for every occasion

108. Chris Rice, Michael Buble, Nathan Angelo, John Mayer, Jason Mraz

109. Giving gifts "just because"

110. Google

111. Girl coffee dates

112. Photo montages

113. Old people

114. Babies

115. Matching plumeria clips

116. The smell of clean

117. Great days of fellowship

118. The power of prayer

119. Cheesy comedies that make girls gasp, tear, and go, "Aww!"

120. Curled toes

121. "The perfect bite" (TM)

122. Yummy left-overs

123. Buy one, get one free

124. Free t-shirts

125. Grandma Sue's hugs

126. Soft, springy grass wet with morning dew

127. Triple rainbows

128. Feather quills and old-fashioned keys

129. Old papers from elementary school

130. My name which I wrote in permanent marker beneath my doorknob when I was three

131. The mohawk-ed carabao man at Fort Soledad

132. Walking arm-in-arm with Daddy

133. Chocolate-covered gummy bears

134. Finding forgotten snacks in my bag that are still good

135. Reading what someone scratched out

136. The letter "Z"

137. Watching others misjudge the depth of a puddle

138. Swimming

139. Having a good song stuck in my head

140. Group hugs

141. Sleepovers, minus the sleep

142. Camera self-timer + tripod

143. Grilled peanut butter and banana sandwiches

144. The magical disappearance of a pimple

145. Daydreaming

146. Pigtails, sundresses, and lace socks on little girls

147. How rain can stop in 2 seconds on Guam

148. Clear nail polish

149. Cool Whip

150. A full refrigerator

...& There's more to come.