"I'm Mary and I'm Martha all at the same time; I'm sitting at His feet and yet I'm dying to be recognized. I am a picture of contentment and I'm dissatisfied. Why is it easy to work and hard to rest sometimes?
...But I want to, because I need You, yes, I need You I can't catch You, but I want to.
...How long until You come for me? I'm so tired, so tired of running..."
"I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice?" - C.S. Lewis
In my unknowingness and uncertainty, my faith is made stronger. The questions of "when," "why," or "how" are replaced with the question of just how much I trust Him. Though the world may equate this with foolishness or weakness, I boast in my weakness and all that I do not know. At the end of time, I will not be asked what I know, but rather Who I know - intimately, completely, and personally. & It is that which makes all the difference.
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Father, may I always find contentedness in who You are and Your all-sufficiency. Though I may not know it all or have it all, what I do know is who You are and what You have done for me - and that is more than enough.All that You have graciously given is more than I deserve. You are more than enough. May my weakness be a lens that magnifies just how strong You are and how strongly You are at work in me. I praise You, from whom all blessings flow and in whom all answers are encapsulated.
The last stanza of George Herbert's poem, "Vanitie," strikes me with such stark pithiness that I am still up at almost 4 AM digesting its profundity. The last line is particularly remarkable. (Yes, Richard. Poetry.)
"What hath not man sought out and found, But his deare God? who yet his glorious law Embosomes in us, mellowing the ground With showres and frosts, with love and aw ; So that we need not say, Where’s this command? Poore man ! thou searchest round To finde out death, but missest life at hand." - "Vanitie" by George Herbert, 1857
What a completely terrifying conclusion! To have searched all your life, but missed the point of it all. Seeking life, but instead finding death. I love how this plays with two definitions of vanity: 1) excessive pride or conceit; ostentation occasioned by ambition or pride, and 2) the state or quality of being valueless, futile, unreal, worthless or useless That which causes us vanity is also that which causes our lives to be lived in vain. It's superfluous, extraneous, unnecessary, and yet we desire it to feel of worth. Hmm...
So often my posts have a conclusion, a remedy, or a solution of sorts - if not actualized, then at least supposed. An external processing of that which I am incapable of inwardly comprehending. (Ooh! New blog subtitle, perhaps!) But for tonight, there will be no divulging and no delving, as most of what I think remains unknown.
I find myself at a crossroad in life, unable to discern which direction to take, where my will ends and God's begins. Or perhaps that's the problem: there is seemingly no end to my will, and I conceive and contrive to attain all that I vainly seek. & That only makes my way more divergent. I wondered today... Is contentedness something acquired, granted, or perceived? "Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way." Psalm 119:37
Perhaps I haven't taken it up in prayer enough. Perhaps I am afraid to, for fear of the answers I'll receive. All I know is that it seems as if I can already see my life's direction explicitly unfolding before me (presumptuous, I know), but I'm not entirely sure I'm happy with it. Perhaps I should just let it unfold and take life a step at a time. & Then there's the whole spiritual aspect. What if God's happy with it? Shouldn't that be enough to make me happy? Perhaps it's my heart - and not direction - that needs changing. Again, I don't know. It adds additional weight to know that with this life I live, there are eternal implications. But at the same time I have to remember: "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Matthew 6:34) What is vain and what is of worth?
How often we chase shadows that quickly fade away at the coming of the Light. I am assured that the Light of the World is coming. The question is, how will I answer to Him when He returns?
I better end soon before I start sounding like Solomon again, circa Ecclesiastes.
& So I pray...
"The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9 Father, help me to do nothing out of vain conceit or selfish ambition, but instead may I seek Your will above all else. My indecisiveness is only indicative of my weakness and I desperately need to hear from you. Help me to hear You. Lord, help me to live as Your pilgrim in this world and to not be drawn to the intrigues of this vanity fair. May all things that surround become shadows in the Light of You. I humbly ask all this in Jesus' most precious, most holy name. Amen.
" I tried to fight, but I'm my opponent..." - "Far" by Michelle Tumes
I am no expert on war tactics, nor am I at all knowledgeable of battle strategies. Therefore, I cannot imagine how one might defeat an opponent who knows you intimately, inside and out, who can predict your every move, who thinks the same, feels the same, and believes the same as you do. There is no bluffing, no diversions, and no trickery, simply because you share one mind. The only weaknesses and limitations of this opponent are ones that you, too, share. How might this be so? As rudimentary as it sounds, this is the case when your enemy is, apparently, yourself. How can one defeat such a formidable foe?
Let me preface this post with a caveat: I by no means am advocating a self-empowerment or self-help faith (Only to God be all the glory and power. He is also my constant help in times of need). I do not necessarily believe the common adages of: "You can do whatever you set your mind to!" or "Mind over matter!" (Except maybe in the case of exercise, for which I need a whole lot of motivation!) Quite frankly, I am disturbed when Philippians 4:13's "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" is misconstrued and reduced to a motivational mantra, with the belief that God's Almighty, mystical powers are yours to manipulate and harness, in order to obtain whatever you want to obtain - without any regard for God's will.
My focus here is the enemy of flesh. Filthy, raw carnality. The evil that lies in each and every one of us, from our conception, since the Fall of Creation. This propensity to sin besieges everything we do, as we fight against or succumb to it.
The oh-so-wise Clive (aka my man, C.S. Lewis) writes, "No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good... Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is... You find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down... We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it..."
In complete, humble transparency, the Apostle Paul recognizes his own struggle and acknowledges the war that occurs within the self: "We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good." Romans 7:14-16 (emphasis added)
Oh, Paul, I know precisely the conflicting feeling of doing exactly what you know you shouldn't. Thinking and actually doing are completely separate things. Surely my spirit is willing, but this body is utterly weak (Matthew 26:41). It's as if the evil builds up, forms a coup, takes control, and ravages the mind and soul. This sin, like Paul says, enslaves us. So how then can I be set free and prevent sin from continually making an enemy of me?
When bracing for war, I am in definite need of a weapon: "For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. " Hebrews 4:12
The Word of God convicts us and points out the deepest, most hidden sins, in order to take them completely captive: "The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:4-5
Once we are aware of the present dangers that sin presents, we need to pray to resist it: "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak." Matthew 26:41
Know that the Lord will go before us and fight on our behalf, as we are incapable of combating sin on our own: "The LORD is a warrior; the LORD is his name." Exodus 15:3 He already overcame sin and the grave, in order to set us free! "If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed." John 8:36
When we are shaken and feel the weight of our sin threatening to make us fall, we can rest upon the Lord, whose support is sure and strong: "The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." Psalm 18:2
Despite the potential for evil that lies within, I die daily to myself and become filled with Christ, rather than consumed in my sin. It is cast aside, in order to follow Him. For although I am innately sinful, He that lives within me has ascribed righteousness to me through His death and resurrection. "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20
Although there are constant struggles, I already know that the overall battle for my soul has been won, and I want Him to rule it from within me.
I am convinced that the only thing that's good in me is Jesus.
"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."
- C.S. Lewis in "Mere Christianity"
"The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life." John 12:25
As we read John 12 in College Fellowship this morning, verse 25 struck me with such a new intensity. It seems almost harsh to "hate" our life, but I admit with the thoughts and cares of this world that seem to easily entice and ensnare me, it seems almost necessary to completely abhor this world and its pleasures, just to remain beyond its treacherous grasp. However, there are times when words and connotations of Biblical times get lost in translation. For instance, in this case, "to hate [one's life]" is a Semitic expression with the connotation of giving one thing preference over another (see MacArthur's commentary on the subject). I remember struggling with this meaning of "hate," especially when it came to verses like Luke 14:26 : “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple."
So I was much relieved to hear that this does not mean that I need to utterly despise my family (this might even sound contradictory to the fifth commandment of honoring thy father and mother), and quite honestly, I constantly rejoice over the life that God has graciously given me and the daily blessings He bountifully supplies. Nevertheless, perhaps such austere language is necessary to understand the cost and sacrifice of what it truly means to be a disciple of Christ. Matthew 10:37-39 might provide a much clearer interpretation: "Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Whoever does not take up their cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds their life will lose it, and whoever loses their life for my sake will find it."
That being better understood, I must ask myself:
Am I taking up my cross?
Have I allowed the world and its pleasures to cloud my vision of what happiness really is?
Have I forgotten about true joy in the Lord?
Have my possessions, goals, plans, and desires taken priority over the Lord's will for my life?
Would I be willing to give up everything - all I have - if God called me to do it? Or am I much too attached?
Am I fixed on an eternal perspective, or have I preoccupied myself with what is within my limited, human scope?
Admittedly, I find myself constantly craving more of this world - money, power, prestige - and filled with worldly ambition. But instead of asking myself how I can obtain these things, perhaps the better question would be, "What for?" Why exhaust my efforts on the finiteness of self, when I can invest in eternity by using all and giving all for the glory of God and bringing others to Him?
Thus, I was not made for here. I was made for forever. & He's coming back to take me there.
I learn a lot from Facebook statuses. Whether it be verses, quotes from pastors, evangelists, theologians, devotionals, or just practical (sometimes unbiblical) "self-theology," I find myself interested in what other people think about God, His character, and His will. I am not looking for debate or even affirmations of validity, but sometimes I will take each thought as a challenge to my own beliefs, as I force myself to evaluate what I myself believe to be Biblical. (For those who I have on Facebook, I hope this does not make you feel self-conscious or want to de-friend me. I am much more concerned about the thoughts expressed - not really the people who expressed them.) I try to be critical with the thought, not the person. The last thing I'd want is for people to think I'm judging them based on something as frivolous as a Facebook status!
However, sometimes I'll come across famous, bumper sticker ones (e.g. "Everything happens for a reason."), laments over loved ones (e.g. "I really miss her, but God must have needed her in heaven and that's why He took her life today." and "R.I.P. ___! I know today you are sitting at the right hand of God!") or those which display the proliferation of deceit caused by the prosperity gospel (e.g. "If it matters to me, it matters to God. So God, c'mon and put some money in my account so I can get my new car, homie!").
Today, a fellow sister in Christ posted up a Facebook status this morning that really got me thinking. (Yes, I find status updates posted by Christians much more thought-provoking!) She wrote, "People do what make them happy. Christians do what make GOD happy." I rolled the idea around in my head for quite a while, and it seemed about right. I was not entirely sure of how I felt. I began to think... Yes, we should live submissively to the will of God, even at the cost of our own happiness and desires! Yes, our only desire should be to please our Lord, and that in itself should make us happy - the only thing that makes us happy! Is pleasing God the same as making Him happy? Perhaps it's just semantics... Am I making Him happy? Am I, a sinful human, even capable of making Him happy? Of what consequence are my actions to His emotions? Does He have emotions?...And on and on...
It was in this train of thought that I stumbled across just what I needed from one of my favorite sources for devotionals: Ligonier.org. Today's note just so happened to be entitled, "Is God Happy When We're Happy?" (Click to read it for yourself!) and I felt that it succinctly and truthfully answers this question.
So, of course, I shared it with this sister. She then replied, "I always wonder about God's happiness... you know how the Bible says "Jesus wept" but not that Jesus smiled? Thats where I wonder how happy or unhappy He could be...." & This in turn got me thinking deeper... Here is my reply:
I definitely get what you mean, though. It's hard for me to fathom the emotions of our infinite God, whose ways are greater than our ways and thoughts higher than our thoughts. All I can hope is that I please Him, and that doing His will would be my source of delight and my heart's sole desire. It's true that happiness comes from obedience and we continually praise God with the joy of our salvation, despite trials and tribulations. --But it is much easier said than done!
I really like that verse: "Jesus wept." (John 11:35) It's so beautiful and profound. That Christ, our Savior and Lord of the universe, graciously and humbly clothed Himself in frail humanity in order to save us... It truly baffles me - and humbles me at the same time. I think the verse beautifully shows how the Word became flesh and walked among us. We witness such a human, fleshly emotion being expressed by our glorious, holy God... Fully God, yet coming in the form of a man.
& I think perhaps Jesus's time on earth was marked by sadness because He knew that His death and resurrection were necessary in order to atone for our sins. Yet even His knowledge of this is another indication of His deity! But above all, He submits to the will of the Father, no matter how painful. He humanly cries out, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" (Matthew 27:46) during His excruciating crucifixion, and yet we know that He came to earth specifically for that: to accomplish His Father's will. "For I have come down from heaven not to do my will but to do the will of him who sent me... For my Father’s will is that everyone who looks to the Son and believes in him shall have eternal life, and I will raise them up at the last day.” (John 6:38,40) & I am sure that the Father was well-pleased in this humble obedience, just as I am sure it pleased Jesus to do the will of the one who sent Him. In the same way that Christ selflessly and humbly submitted to the will of the Father, so too should it be for those who call themselves His followers, who love Him and call Him their Lord.
...God is happy when we are happy - only when we are happy to obey all that He commands.
"Vanity of vanities," says the Preacher; "Vanity of vanities, all is vanity." What profit had a man from all his labor in which he toils under the sun? May we be faithful where we are at, in all that we do, where the Lord has placed us and ordained that we be. In thought, word, deed, may we aspire to be holy, just as He is holy.
"What kind of faith saves? ...Fides viva - a living faith, a vital faith, a faith that issues forth in works as the fruit of faith. Those works don't count toward justification - only the merit of Christ counts toward that - but without the flowing forth of the fruit of faith, there would be no true faith in the first place." - "Defending the Faith: Introduction to Apologetics" by R.C. Sproul
So often I feel just like the picture above - exhausted, worn, and absolutely thirsty. So often I forget the peace and comfort of resting in the presence of God:
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
What we have under the sun is worthless and fading. Why faithfully toil under the sun when we can faithfully serve the Son of God?
"It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." — C.S. Lewis ("Weight of Glory and Other Addresses") Get over yourself. Get over the sun.
