My heart forever is wandering...

The last stanza of George Herbert's poem, "Vanitie," strikes me with such stark pithiness that I am still up at almost 4 AM digesting its profundity. The last line is particularly remarkable. (Yes, Richard. Poetry.)

"What hath not man sought out and found,
But his deare God? who yet his glorious law
Embosomes in us, mellowing the ground
With showres and frosts, with love and aw ;
So that we need not say, Where’s this command?
Poore man ! thou searchest round
To finde out death, but missest life at hand."
- "Vanitie" by George Herbert, 1857

What a completely terrifying conclusion! To have searched all your life, but missed the point of it all. Seeking life, but instead finding death. I love how this plays with two definitions of vanity:
1) excessive pride or conceit; ostentation occasioned by ambition or pride, and
2) the state or quality of being valueless, futile, unreal, worthless or useless
That which causes us vanity is also that which causes our lives to be lived in vain. It's superfluous, extraneous, unnecessary, and yet we desire it to feel of worth. Hmm...

So often my posts have a conclusion, a remedy, or a solution of sorts - if not actualized, then at least supposed. An external processing of that which I am incapable of inwardly comprehending. (Ooh! New blog subtitle, perhaps!) But for tonight, there will be no divulging and no delving, as most of what I think remains unknown.

I find myself at a crossroad in life, unable to discern which direction to take, where my will ends and God's begins. Or perhaps that's the problem: there is seemingly no end to my will, and I conceive and contrive to attain all that I vainly seek. & That only makes my way more divergent.
I wondered today... Is contentedness something acquired, granted, or perceived? "Turn away mine eyes from beholding vanity; and quicken thou me in thy way." Psalm 119:37

Perhaps I haven't taken it up in prayer enough. Perhaps I am afraid to, for fear of the answers I'll receive. All I know is that it seems as if I can already see my life's direction explicitly unfolding before me (presumptuous, I know), but I'm not entirely sure I'm happy with it. Perhaps I should just let it unfold and take life a step at a time. & Then there's the whole spiritual aspect. What if God's happy with it? Shouldn't that be enough to make me happy? Perhaps it's my heart - and not direction - that needs changing. Again, I don't know. It adds additional weight to know that with this life I live, there are eternal implications. But at the same time I have to remember: "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Matthew 6:34) What is vain and what is of worth?

How often we chase shadows that quickly fade away at the coming of the Light. I am assured that the Light of the World is coming. The question is, how will I answer to Him when He returns?

I better end soon before I start sounding like Solomon again, circa Ecclesiastes.

& So I pray...

"The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." Proverbs 16:9
Father, help me to do nothing out of vain conceit or selfish ambition,
but instead may I seek Your will above all else.
My indecisiveness is only indicative of my weakness
and I desperately need to hear from you.
Help me to hear You.
Lord, help me to live as Your pilgrim in this world
and to not be drawn to the intrigues of this vanity fair.
May all things that surround become shadows in the Light of You.
I humbly ask all this in Jesus' most precious, most holy name.
Amen.

An Enemy of Me

" I tried to fight, but I'm my opponent..." - "Far" by Michelle Tumes

I am no expert on war tactics, nor am I at all knowledgeable of battle strategies. Therefore, I cannot imagine how one might defeat an opponent who knows you intimately, inside and out, who can predict your every move, who thinks the same, feels the same, and believes the same as you do. There is no bluffing, no diversions, and no trickery, simply because you share one mind. The only weaknesses and limitations of this opponent are ones that you, too, share. How might this be so? As rudimentary as it sounds, this is the case when your enemy is, apparently, yourself. How can one defeat such a formidable foe?

Let me preface this post with a caveat: I by no means am advocating a self-empowerment or self-help faith (Only to God be all the glory and power. He is also my constant help in times of need). I do not necessarily believe the common adages of: "You can do whatever you set your mind to!" or "Mind over matter!" (Except maybe in the case of exercise, for which I need a whole lot of motivation!) Quite frankly, I am disturbed when Philippians 4:13's "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" is misconstrued and reduced to a motivational mantra, with the belief that God's Almighty, mystical powers are yours to manipulate and harness, in order to obtain whatever you want to obtain - without any regard for God's will.

My focus here is the enemy of flesh. Filthy, raw carnality. The evil that lies in each and every one of us, from our conception, since the Fall of Creation. This propensity to sin besieges everything we do, as we fight against or succumb to it.

The oh-so-wise Clive (aka my man, C.S. Lewis) writes, "No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good... Only those who try to resist temptation know how strong it is... You find out the strength of a wind by trying to walk against it, not by lying down... We never find out the strength of the evil impulse inside us until we try to fight it..."

In complete, humble transparency, the Apostle Paul recognizes his own struggle and acknowledges the war that occurs within the self: "We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good." Romans 7:14-16 (emphasis added)

Oh, Paul, I know precisely the conflicting feeling of doing exactly what you know you shouldn't. Thinking and actually doing are completely separate things. Surely my spirit is willing, but this body is utterly weak (Matthew 26:41). It's as if the evil builds up, forms a coup, takes control, and ravages the mind and soul. This sin, like Paul says, enslaves us. So how then can I be set free and prevent sin from continually making an enemy of me?

When bracing for war, I am in definite need of a weapon: "For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. " Hebrews 4:12

The Word of God convicts us and points out the deepest, most hidden sins, in order to take them completely captive:
"The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:4-5

Once we are aware of the present dangers that sin presents, we need to pray to resist it: "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak." Matthew 26:41

Know that the Lord will go before us and fight on our behalf, as we are incapable of combating sin on our own: "The LORD is a warrior; the LORD is his name." Exodus 15:3
He already overcame sin and the grave, in order to set us free! "If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed." John 8:36

When we are shaken and feel the weight of our sin threatening to make us fall, we can rest upon the Lord, whose support is sure and strong: "The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold." Psalm 18:2

Despite the potential for evil that lies within, I die daily to myself and become filled with Christ, rather than consumed in my sin. It is cast aside, in order to follow Him. For although I am innately sinful, He that lives within me has ascribed righteousness to me through His death and resurrection. "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20

Although there are constant struggles, I already know that the overall battle for my soul has been won, and I want Him to rule it from within me.

I am convinced that the only thing that's good in me is Jesus.